Allen Wittman (Assman #1) - Inventor of Liquid ASS
- Born & raised: Northwest Ohio
- Age: Old enough to know better . . .
- High school: Graduated - Without honors
- College: University of Toledo - Electrical Engineering
- Other interests & hobbies: Drums (No. . . you can't touch my drumset!), Woodworking, Hiking & Poop sculpting
- Favorite saying: Ah . . . hell no!
- Favorite food: All meat pizza
- Favorite song: No Scrubs by TLC
- Favorite movie: Full Metal Jacket
- Marital status: Happily married to the Assma'am #1
- Favorite quote: "Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!" -- Steven Wright
Andrew Masters (Assman #2) - It was my idea to sell Liquid ASS
- Native of Connersville, Indiana
- Age: 49
- High school: Valedictorian of a school that no longer exists
- College: Bob Jones University - BS Physics
IPFW - MS Mathematics
- Other interests & hobbies: Hiking, rock-climbing
- Favorite saying: Oh boy . . .
- Favorite food: Pizza King pizza and Belgium dark chocolate
- Favorite song: More Than a Feeling by Boston
- Favorite movie: Duck Soup starring The Marx Brothers
- Marital status: I have a hot girlfriend.
- Favorite quote: "Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others." -- Groucho Marx