Liquid ASS Customer Testimonials

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Our customers share their opinions and stories of the butt–crack smell of Liquid ASS

Liquid ASS funny prank

29March2012   Dealing with Annoying Neighbors:  "There was a lot of calling out and hacking and coughing."

We have lived in this house for 5 years and always got on really well with the elderly lady next door who is really nice and gives us home grown fruit and vegetables. Six months ago, her son installed a half–witted woman in a caravan in their back yard about one foot from our boundary fence which looks straight down into our back yard.

We tried to be polite, but she is the most annoying woman I've ever met — she talks in a really loud voice nonstop, sometimes all night, watches all our movements and tries to borrow cigarettes. My son, who works long hours, had to move out of his bedroom so he could get some sleep.

I finally had enough and started spraying Liquid ASS on and around the caravan with instant results. There was a lot of calling out and hacking and coughing. It smelled like about 10 dogs did their business around there. The great thing is that Liquid ASS causes no damage and is completely undetectable.

It feels so much better knowing there is something I can do instead of being this helpless victim. I even complained to her about the smell and threatened to phone the local council about it.

   — Christina from Tasmania

10March2012   Memorable Chaos at Work:  ". . . I looked outside to see about ten mall employees with their sweater sleeves covering their nose and mouth . . . "

I have been an avid Liquid Ass'r for a minimum of the last 6 years, and had to write and say thank you. Thank you, thank you, and thank you SO much for enabling the best times I have had of my life (with the exception of well ... you know ... but I was born with that as most other men are; and even then — not sure if Liquid ASS is better or not?).

This letter is written to provide feedback as a faithful advocate whom has just sampled your newer 'flavors' of Tex–ASS and BARFume (I've got a pretty good story to go with it, too!). I have to admit ... I should have expected nothing less. They were simply astonishing and remarkably putrid/vile. Tex–ASS was enlightening and quite possibly after today has made me a better person. No really.

Liquid ASS is good for the soul and let me tell you why. I'm a store manager for a large corporation in a high–volume strip mall. I have a fairly large sales team and love to provide a fun work environment for each of them to work. However, my rapport with neighboring businesses (in this case, Bath and Body Works) has definitely ... lacked. Ok, ok, it's a down right rivalry almost to the point where the safety of my car was threatened and I had to call security. (You will shortly understand my reasoning for telling you this as a precursor.) But, moving on ... One of my representatives thought it'd be funny the other day to place a Girl Scouts cookie on my chair (chocolate — I was in a full suit). Ironically, in the mail that day came my shipment of Liquid ASS. How would this be handled? Oh, the possibilities!

The following day we were set to come to the store two hours prior to open in order to prepare some documents for processing. My representative enters the store and I swiftly and stealthily follow and attack with three pumps. Weapon of Choice: Tex–ASS. Oh man, I myself wanted to dry heave. Yet he proceeds to the back office to continue with opening procedures. He then situates himself in the manager's office into which I was able to get one more pump disguised with a cough ... No sooner than 10 seconds, no later than 15, my representative runs out of the office in a panic while covering his face immediately asserting that I had done this. I fail at keeping a straight face — the gig is up, but the task is accomplished. Game over... Right? No.

I resume with spraying air freshener through the office and the front office to ensure this doesn't affect our customer experience. I continue to remind myself, "Thank God my boss is out of state this week..." Ineffective. Regardless what I used, nothing worked to overcome the smell as it lurked on the floor with 15 minutes remaining before opening. I have the representative rush next–door to Bath and Body Works to purchase perfumes, etc. to overcome the odor as it is so potent that it is unbearable, only to discover that we have a connected ventilation system! The entire staff on both sides of our building had vacated their premises after a thorough attempt of cleansing the odor. Five, maybe six sprays easily covered 7,500–10,000. Soft for such a long duration of time and with such tenacity!

My rival was not pleased. Awesome! The odor eventually faded, but not before my director of sales had done his surprise ANNUAL STORE VISIT! Of all days, my store had to smell like ASS!? Ahhh! Regardless, I will always reminisce of the moment I looked outside to see about ten mall employees with their sweater sleeves covering their nose and mouth as their nasal passages had been cluttered with ASS... Tex–ASS. I love that stuff now! I'm looking forward to the many interactions for which Liquid ASS will break the ice ... Or, for that matter, end.

You guys should totally start a referral program, by the way! ASS–Points has a good ring to it. I can't tell you how many people I've referred to this company and have seen people with ASS–Hands soon thereafter.

Thank you, Liquid ASS. You make the day that much fresher.

   — Jarred from the North Bay

08March2012   The Noisy Neighbors Upstairs:  "Two months later, they moved out . . ."

I live in an apartment complex and I had someone living directly above me that didn't care that someone lived below them. A teenager living with his mom directly above me, playing a video game, jumping around creates a LOT of noise. I would tap on the ceiling when it was too loud. He in turn would jump around more and make MORE noise.

I found my savior in Liquid ASS (the streaming bottle for projection purposes) while searching for stink bombs online. I drilled a hole in my ceiling (their floor) and waited for the next time he pissed me off. I didn't know what to expect and I was pleased beyond belief when, after I shot it up there, I hear screaming "Oh my word!" and "What the f***!" Two months later, they moved out after 3 more random shots o' ass.


   — The Ass Ninja

31January2012   Wicked Step–father Prank:  ". . . we couldn't hold in our laughter much longer!!"

My wife's step–father is a tool. Nobody in the family likes him because of how he treats all of us. Last year we traveled to his house for a holiday. While everyone was inside, I snuck outside and proceeded to "ass" his Jeep Cherokee. I squirted the Liquid ASS under his seat, floor mats, and inside his air conditioner vents.

Later that day he decided to go for a drive. My wife and I were anxiously waiting to see how far he would go before having to get out of the Jeep. What followed was awesome!! He came storming inside after opening his car door. The first words out of his mouth were, "My car smells like dog shit and dead fish!!!"  He then proceeded to open all of the doors and windows with his air on high. We had to leave shortly after, which was good because we couldn't hold in our laughter much longer!!

The next week, he took his Jeep to a mechanic to find out if he had dead animals in his engine. Of course they couldn't find anything, so he had to live with that smell.

Thank you for this product!!! I just ordered 9 more bottles so I can take care of my a–hole neighbors.

   — Seymour Butts

31January2012   Tex-ASS Work Prank:  "It just smelt so wicked and it still had that smokey undertone to it."

Just wanted to commend you on a fantastic product. I've ordered boxes of Liquid ASS several times, but recently I decided to give your new Tex-ASS a crack (pun intended!)

So I took a bottle of Tex-ASS to work today. I deposited half of the bottle onto the floor of our meal room, and immediately I could smell smokey BBQ. The peak lunch period was starting and several people walked into the room commenting on how it smelt like BBQ sauce. A few minutes later, that unmistakable ASS smell started to kick in . . . only it was much, much worse than ever before! People were gagging and burying their noses in their shirts. Someone went to the fridge and started looking for off food; another was checking the cupboards and bin. Everyone was convinced that there was rancid meat somewhere in the room. It just smelt so wicked and it still had that smokey undertone to it.

I returned there 3 hours later and it STILL reeked! I found the smell to be much more diabolical than the original Liquid ASS — and that's saying a lot!

Thanks guys, I will be back for more!

   — Lee from Melbourne, Australia

22January2012   Work Prank:  ". . . it is like kicking an ant hill!!!"

Your products ARE AMAZING!!! My friend and I just wreck our office from time to time or random public places. The Liquid ASS was very good and when we tried the BARFume were were blown away - NASTY! The problem is that people are getting suspicious at work and we need some new scents! Keep up the excellent work and I hope to see some new products in the future!!!

I could go on and on about all the times we have got people at work . . . but a few that stick out are as follows:

I work in a building with about 300 people and we have offices and cubicles. The guy that sits next to me is always eating this nasty fish. He likes anything that you should not be eating that stinks. While I have a strong stomach, a lot of others don't and are always complaining, "What is that smell?", and it causes a big rucus. Well it just so happens that my boss is the one that introduced me to Liquid ASS (I know, how great is that?!) and bought me a bottle (he likes to live vicariously through me). And, of course, I thought it was the perfect opportunity when the guy sitting next to me decided to eat some espcially funky fish. (He was bragging about how bad it was going to smell.) Well, I was getting a bit sick of it and figured I would add something to it. I did 4–5 pumps out in the hall in front of my office. As soon as it started to spread, I went back to my desk and waited for the chaos!

People were going nuts!!! They would walk down the hall and then get slapped in the face, some of them stopping dead in their tracks, and saying stuff like "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!!!"  People were pissed. It smelled like a combination of rotten fish and ass . . . and I am not exaggerating when I say a good 30–40 people were up in arms. As the fish smell would spread out, I would follow it and add a few more pumps of Liquid ASS here and there to make sure things were good and ripe. I destroyed an area about 100 feet by 50 feet . . . it was crazy . . . maybe a total of 15 pumps. Well people were yelling at the guy with the fish and people were yelling at my boss (who sits across the hall from me). It was funny as hell!!!

Two days later, he warmed up the remainder of his 10 day old fish (give or take) and it was at least as funky as the first time. I was on it like stink on shat!!! I did the same thing . . . maybe 20 pumps this time in total and people went NUTS!!! I was dying at my desk, trying to block people from seeing me laugh with my monitor and trying to seem a bit upset myself at just how funky it was. Well, long story short, it got so bad that my boss had to call the guy who sits next to me into his office to forbid him from bringing fish in to work anymore!!! It was PERFECT! Then of course my boss and I to this day still laugh about it and how priceless it was!

So I let one other guy in on it and we have been destroying various parts of the building for about 6 months now. We laugh our ass off. We both have the same sense of humor and feed off of each other. One day I came in to the building and there was an alarm going off in the foyer. I know how stupid people tend to be so I hit the entrance of the building at 7:30 AM with 4 pumps and got a good 50 people — some of whom though the alarm going off was because of a sewage issue. We got lots of laughs out of that one. I stood about 200 feet down the hall with some paperwork talking to my buddy watching people walk into the funk and act like they just got slapped in the face with a turd.

We love to wreck the bathroom. We spray it when people are in the stalls — come back a few minutes later and be like, "Wow, dude, what did you do to this place"  . . . and embarrass the hell out of people. On guy was like, "It wasn't me . . . at least I hope it wasn't."  Usually, if it is timed right, people think the smell is from them!!!

Our offices are next to the lab in the building. I have been hitting this one guy's office (and getting like 5 or 6 offices around him as collateral damage) like every few days and it is like kicking an ant hill!!! They all come running out of their offices with looks of disgust like, "Whoa, there it is again!"  The best part is that they keep blaming it on the lab. (When they clean stuff over there, it can be bad.) Same thing with the bathroom — a lot of people blame it on the lab. So it helps cover us . . . which is nice.

The Liquid ASS was getting fairly suspicious by the time we killed 2 bottles, so when we saw the BARFume we were sold!!! We were blown away by just how WRONG that shat is! It was great as it was different enough from the Liquid ASS that it helped people think it was a different smell. (A lot of people comment on how Liquid ASS smells like manure.) I love the BARFume and thank you for investing the four years into developing it. I bet it takes a lot of work to get things just right. All I know is that the Liquid ASS smells like sewage sludge/manure, hatchery waste compost at one of the sites I regulated . . . very similar. Believe it or not, it smells about as bad too!

So, when I put four pumps in our field vehicle about 5 minutes before someone got in it on a humid and warm summer morning, you can only imagine the results!!! The guy was my former boss and was meeting my current boss at a job site. When he got out of the truck he was cussing me up and down and how I need to not stink the vehicles. I was like, "Dude, I haven't had the vehicle out in over a week. I don't know what you are talking about!" The best part is he is really easily aggravated and I love messing with people like that.

I could go on and on . . . I like to wait until somebody I know is having a coversation with someone else in the hall. I walk up behind the person they are talking to and spray. I do this to my buddy (partner in crime) whenever I can. I have got him a few times where the person he is talking to must have thought he shat his pants! A few times I had to walk by after spraying it and he said the person I was talking to stopped in mid sentence and said, "I THINK HE SHAT HIMSELF."  and they both walked about 50 feet down the hall and continued their conversation.

I am sure I am missing some good ones . . . but those are a few. Just the other day I was in subway and I did two pumps in the mens and ladies room. I sat down and ate my lunch and just waiting for people to use the bathroom. I will have to try it again as it wasn't very busy . . . but I did get a female. She went in and out . . . and I know she didn't wash her hands as she was way to quick! It was fun sitting there just watching people come in the store saying to myself, "Yyou know you need to use the bathroom . . . get in there." My buddy (who happens to be 50 and if he hasn't grown out of doing stuff like this by his age, I know I am a lost cause too) and I are going to start hitting fast food places during lunch for sure and watching it while we eat our food.

At any rate, I look forward to future produces and I may try the Tex-ASS.

As for new scents . . . anything that could be really offensive could be good. Having a few more odors in my arsenal can only be a good thing and keep the suspicion down. That is why I was thinking maybe a fish smell . . . call it Rotten Beaver or something. Well, all of this talk about shat has made me need to take one . . . so I am going to end this here for now.

Thanks again for developing the products you have! I cannot tell you how many times we have laughed our asses off and I think it may well be helping with my cardio since I laugh so much some days. I know if we are laughing this hard, many others are too. You are doing the world a service my friend! The reactions and one liners we get are priceless . . . wish I could remember more of them off the top of my head to share with you.

Thanks guys! You have provided me with countless laughs!

   — BC

19January2012   Fire House Prank:  ". . . holding my laugh was the hardest thing ever."

I will definitely recommend Liquid ASS to friends. Best stink product I've ever used. I am a fire fighter and I used Liquid ASS on them. I applied it in the bunk room and holding my laugh was the hardest thing ever. One guy described the smell as throw up and shat at the same time. The stench lasted almost 3 hours. lol!!!! My captain called the captain from the other group and complained about used baby wipes that were not properly disposed of in the rest room.

This stuff smelled a lot worst than I anticipated. When I received my package, I took a sniff inside the package and it smelled like a dead rat. But when I applied it and actually got a sniff of it, the smell was so overwhelming that guys were gagging. If I could describe the smell, I say take hot garbage and throw milk with chicken gizzard, beef fat, and oily water on it and let it sit for a week in 90 degree weather and that's what Liquid ASS smells like. Shat and hot garbage with a hint of dead road kill. LOL!!!!!

   — HFD Iceman

24December2011   Taking Care of the Neighbor Problem:  "I hate when he retches — it tends to make me retch too . . ."

I love stand–up comedy and all sorts of zany stuff — Monthy Python, Scrubs, etc. etc., and I have never laughed so hard and so uncontrollably (laughing like farting when one would be seconds from diarrhea disaster) as when I read your website and pictured wreaking (reeking!) havoc on my f**ked up neighbour downstairs.

As I lay in bed at night reading on my smart phone, the more noise he made (retaliatory noise as I'd successfully got him put on eviction notice), the more I would shake and laugh uncontrollably as I pictured him in sensory shock on a few days' time, just like the hapless f**kwits on your testimonials page. I hate when he retches — it tends to make me retch too . . . LMFAO :-D   Sadly, he moved out before I got say how much I'd miss him. More than likely, he got to keep his deposit due to the place still smelling so satanic.

   — The ASS–Prepper

P.S. I love that ASS-in-a-Crack Syringe. I'll have to order one when I'm restocking.

13December2011   Grocery Store Prank:  "This has made my life so fun !!!!!!"

My daughter and I assed the two local grocery stores. I sprayed about 10 sprays in each store and I became a victum of my own assing. I did puke this time. I did not know that I didn't need to use that much. The smell was instant. It was just awful and so funny. People just walked away from their carts and charged the exit door. One young cashier was gagging. I will be anxious when our only TV station reports on this . . . until then . . .

[3 days later]

Well I heard from several people around town that one of the grocery stores had their employees removing items off the grocery shelves looking for crap (poop) that they thought someone must have hid in the store. Classic!!!!!! Since my town is a packing house town, they thought someone must have took some hog poop and stunk up the store.

I tell ya' that BARFume is just as bad as the Liquid ASS. I barfed my neighbor's car this morning and the fumes from the BARFume makes you dry heave!!!!!! This is too much fun. I better slow down.

   — Granny on the Loose

P.S. This has made my life so fun !!!!!!

11December2011   Congratulations:  "Liquid ASS is the best."

I just have to congrat you on this stuff. Liquid ASS is the best.

If you can make it stick and the lasting effects longer, it would be the Holy Grail, but thanks for the awesome product. Excellent!

   — J.L.

09December2011   BARFume Prank:  ". . . I was about to puke for real."

Several weeks ago we received our second order of Liquid ASS with the BARFume included this time. We just put it in the garage because it stinks so bad. Well today I opened it and I was so happy that I laughed all the way to our local small grocery store to puke them. I hate this store as they charge way to much and take advantage of all the poor people in our small town — so a pukin' they got.

My word, the BARFume smelled as bad as the Liquid ASS. You should have been there — I was about to puke for real. It spread all over the store in about 2 or 3 minutes. I acted just as stupid as can be, laughing like I was crazy. The people in the meat department were cussing like sailors. The store manager was gagging. I had to leave because I was really ready to puke.

Thanks so much. We old folks are gonna' have so much fun. Justice is sweet!!!!!!

   — N.L.

07November2011   High School Prank:  "I had people gagging thinking it was manure."

Liquid ASS is great!! I brought it to my high school and used it to stink up my class, the hallway, and then another class before I got caught and they threw it away. It really smells like straight up ass–crack! I had people gagging thinking it was manure. Some comments that I overheard were

     "Oh my word, I think something crawled up someone's ass and died."

     "Holy shat, I'm gonna' barf!"

It was hilarious. I just wish I still had my LA. I already miss it and it just happened yesterday. I really recommend this product.

   — Dylan

05November2011   Bad Neighbor Car Prank:  "He jumped out of his car gagging and cussing."

When I received my Liquid ASS, it smelled so bad that we had to set the bottle in the garage. It stuck up my whole kitchen for a day. It smells like the nastiest rotten butt crack/ass outhouse dirty diaper smell — I almost puked. I could smell it through the bottle. I resorted to burning red onions and garlic in butter on top of the stove to get the smell out of my kitchen — truly.

I used the Liquid ASS on my rude, rotten neighbor's cars. I dumped half a bottle in one car's air intake vent (at the bottom of the windshield) and half the bottle in the other car's air intake vent. I did this about 3 am. I made some coffee and stayed up to watch the reactions.

At 6 am, right on time, the guy came out, jumped in his car, and peeled out. He got about 500 feet up the street slamed on his brakes, did a U–turn, and barrelled down the street back to his drive way. He jumped out of his car gagging and cussing. By this time I am just dying laughing. I took my dog outside and the guy was almost crying. Then he called the cops and I really started laughing to the point I thought I would throw up.

The cops arrived and they were looking for poop in his car. I was laughing so hard it hurt. Then he opened the other car door and the smell wafted out all over the place. The cop was gagging and had his white hankie over his face. By this time about a hour passed and some other neighbors were out in the drive ways and every one was making gag noises. It smelled up half the block, I kid you not. I am still laughing. The cop left and didn't do anything but gag. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen . The guy was jumping up and down cussing and the neighborhood kids were falling out laughing.

My husband is not to happy with me but he has the sence of humor of a TV test pattern. But any way it was the funnest crap I have ever seen or done. Thanks, this was the shat!!!!!!

   — N.L.

30September2011   Coworker Revenge Prank:  ". . . I couldn't stop laughing."

Gentleman . . . revenge is sweet . . . make 'em pay through the nose!!

I work for a delivery service, and have been for several years. Not too long ago the company hired fat lard–assed delusional liar. I did what a decent employee would do — welcomed her in and offered to help her if needed. About 10 days into her employment, she decided to start talking shat about me, causing me bewilderment and confusion — "What have I done to deserve this?"

After several tearful nights (tears of laughter while planning a strategic move), I discovered she had conveniently left the doors of her company vehicle unlocked. A long story edited, I unscrewed the bottle of Liquid ASS and dumped the entire contents in the back seat. The next day, she complained and said whomever drove her car last left their body odor in it. She told me to take a whiff. When I did, I couldn't stop laughing. I told her perhaps a rodent got caught in the radiator fan and was decomposing.

After 3 weeks of constant air freshener spraying, get ready for round 2!!! Keep up the Bad Work . . . I'm your Biggest Fan!!!!

   — N.L.

16September2011   Big Fan of Liquid ASS:  "I love the reaction when ASS meets unsuspecting nose . . ."

I love the reaction when ASS meets unsuspecting nose . . . first there's a hypothesis followed by air freshener. The first one's completely wrong; the second one's completely useless!!!!!

Keep up the Bad Work...I'm your Biggest Fan!!!!

   — N.L.

22August2011   Self-defense with Liquid ASS:  ". . . the Hoodies soon run now when they see me."

Brilliant stuff and very handy in Britain as a self–defense weapon, as we not allowed to use pepper spray. I feel safer knowing that I have a bottle of Liquid ASS with me. O yes, the Hoodies soon run now when they see me. They think I got serious bad guts. It's better that than being mugged. I feel each time they get a sniff of this, I feel I am shoving his nose up my assh*** and saying, "Here you go, Assh***. Me mum even got the Bad Karma one. It stinks and the smell stays up the nose for over 2 weeks and in the brain. hahaha

   — Vlad

30May2011   Girlfriend Pranking with Liquid ASS:  "She took off her sweater and wrapped it around her face . . ."

My girlfriend managed to find an old bottle of Liquid ASS and she used it. She said it worked. Below are two of her experiences about which she told me:

Experience #1:   We had a ceramics teacher who was just simply uptight. She would give out detentions for not standing "attentively" during the pledge and morning announcements. She gave a kid who was moving to Alaska THAT NIGHT a detention. She then called his school in Alaska and asked them to give him a detention. One morning, a fellow sufferer came to school so very excited. She had bought Liquid ASS — perfect to "tell her how much we think she reeks".

It was quite a busy classroom, so when she was in the back room, we put 3 drops in the doorway — no one saw. Within 3 minutes, the entire room reeked of ASS. Just ASS. One girl gagged; it was NOT hard to fake being shocked at the smell. The teacher was outright disturbed. She took off her sweater and wrapped it around her face, called maintenance, and said that there was a terrible smell, claiming that either a sewage pipe had broken near her room or something was dead.

Experience #2:   A friend and I were leaving the scene of the crime. (She had tested Liquid ASS out on her parents. They thought a cat had died in the air ducts of the house, and her father began looking in all the vents for the source of the "horrendous smell".) She had decided that Liquid ASS was too much responsibility, and was handing it off to me. Grateful, I decided to take her for some ice cream or something. I put the bottle (it was in a plastic bag, and I assumed it was completely secure) in one of the pockets of my bag. We were driving along — all the windows closed — when suddenly, a vile smell filled the car. It was worse than the "horrendous smell" her father had hunted. Something about the confined space and the heat of the car made it outright unbearable. Not just ass — something had crawled up that ass and died on a bed of eggs. It was beyond bad. We had to stop, air out the car, contain the toxic spill, and then sit quite a distance away for an hour while the car aired out. Wicked stuff.

   — Vlad

14May2011   Impressed with the Smell of Liquid ASS:  "It has left me speechless."

Well, after reading all the reviews about Liquid ASS, I thought to myself, "They have to be exaggerating." I concluded that there's nothing on this earth that could smell of dead rodent/unwiped baby butt . . . I WAS WRONG.

I stopped at the Giggles Shoppe in Cookeville, Tennessee to investigate the mystery of Liquid ASS. I shopped around looking for it, and couldn't immediately find it. So I asked the girl at the counter where it was. They keep it behind the counter, SEALED IN TWO ZIPLOC BAGS. The girl opened the outer bag and, although I was standing nearly five feet away, I almost threw up. Keep in mind that the product is sealed in its container and the stink seeps through the packaging. I did purchase the streaming tip bottle, but I don't know that I can execute the vengeance with the product.

When Red was describing how Andy Dufrane escaped from Shawshank Prison, 500 yards of shat smelling foulness I can't imagine. But I would expect that this stuff smells worse. All the descriptions and stories on here are all that and more. I have my bottle DOUBLE BAGGED and won't bring it in the house for fear that it could spill accidentally.

If you take the breath of a cigarette smoker with halitosis (chronic bad breath), a week old dead skunk, the port–a–johns from race night at Bristol Motor Speedway AND Talladega — mixed all that up along with rotten pork, Liquid ASS is worse. It has left me speechless. For those who choose to use this, with great Liquid ASS comes great responsibility. Use wisely.

   — Isiah from Nashville

10May2011   Roguery Prevention:  ". . . I heard the little shat that was letting my tires flat gagging . . ."

My friend got me a 6–pack for my birthday because someone kept letting the air from the tires on my truck. I injected all four tires with some Liquid ASS. A week passed and around 3 am one night, I heard the little shat that was letting my tires flat gagging and rolling around on the ground in his own vomit. He had squatted down and held down the valve to let out the air out of the tire and — ooh, was this so great — when the cops and EMTs got there, he told them (after he was given O2 and taken to jail) that he did this as a hobby, not only to my truck, but to about 20 others every night. So thanks again. (Liquid ASS should be sold in a 20 oz bottle!!)

   — R.G. Podunk

03May2011   Work Prank:  ". . . the stench became more foul and pervasive."

It has been some time since my last Liquid ASS escapade. My last ASSing was one for justice: it provoked the repair of a long–broken bathroom cubicle at work.

I took my bottle of Liquid ASS back to work the other day to run a test — just to make sure the stuff hadn't gone stale (and that I hadn't lost my touch). I picked a bathroom cubicle at work and I ASSed the heck out of it. I periodically went back into the bathroom to check on the stench. As the morning progressed, the stench became more foul and pervasive. By noon, perfection.

I left for lunch and came back visiting the bathroom to wash my hands. As I entered the bathroom that I had previously ASSed, I was greeted by about 5 workmen who were busy removing ceiling tiles trying to find out where the smell was coming from. The head of IT was present as well. It took a lot of effort to extricate myself without laughing. So I can say it: Liquid Ass does not lose its potency even if it sits on the shelf for a while.

But now a new mission awaits: we have a Phantom Crapper at work. Every weekend, someone comes in and takes a dump on the toilet seat. I plan on using my bottle of Liquid Justice to smoke the culprit out (by making his disgusting mess all the more unbearable). At some point human resources is going to get involved and I'm sure an email on the level of the "Nice Cake" memo from Walmart will be sent out. (Go ahead and google it, it's good for a laugh.)

   — Chicken Head

15April2011   Mother–in–Law Prank:  "I could barely suppress my giggles as we drove away."

I successfully used Liquid ASS to "liquidate" my controlling, entitled, rude, opinionated, manipulative mother–in–law, who, after much abuse and many inappropriate antics, had finally pushed me over the edge. I carefully reviewed several products, and selected Liquid ASS as my passive–aggressive weapon of choice, as it smells like a cross between an open sewer and a commercial pig farm — with just the right amount of chronic diarrhea thrown in.

My mother–in–law used to constantly demand that we come to her house for long, painfully annoying visits which generally drove me insane. For one of these visits, I brought along my new best friend: Liquid ASS!

Just before it was time to leave, I visited her guest bathroom and carefully dribbled Liquid ASS around the base of the toilet. My, what a fragrant aroma! As we were getting ready to leave, my ogre father–in–law entered the guest bathroom, made an offended, sour face, and rapidly flushed the toilet! Ah, success!!! I could barely suppress my giggles as we drove away.

The best part about stealthy Liquid ASS warfare, though, is that none of it could be pinned on me! A few days later, my face–saving in–laws had some sort of "toxic odor discussion" with my husband, which he never shared with me, and muttering something about his parents having "crazy ideas". I am assuming it did not go well for the in–laws, based on his frown when he returned home. The end result was that since the "Liquid ASS Incident" we have NEVER been invited back to the in–law's house and my husband doesn't care! It is now going on two years! Yeeeeeees!

Thank you, ASSmen, for freeing me from ever having to endure the troll's lair ever again! I am eternally grateful and now tell my friends who also have equally horrendous mother–in–law issues, how to quickly and effectively resolve their in–law problems with fantastic Liquid ASS!!! It certainly changed my life for the better.

   — Disrespectful Daughter–in–Law

03April2011   College Dorm Prank:  ". . . it was by far the worst smell I have ever encountered."

I was over my sister's college a couple days ago, and I decided to spray her boyfriend's room with Liquid ASS. I sprayed about 6 times. I immediately left the room because it was by far the worst smell I have ever encountered. It was beyond belief.

I went back to his room 3–4 hours later and the whole FLOOR was empty and there was bleach all over the carpet!!! IT WAS EPIC!!!! Liquid ASS is so awesome.

   — Victims in the Dorms

23March2011   Mate and Mother–in–Law Pranks:  ". . . it is probably the only time I've enjoyed being anywhere near her . . ."

Firstly, Liquid ASS is AMAZING. I've used it that many times that I now consider myself an "assmaster" hahaha!! Liquid ASS is top quality — enough to make people vomit with gut–wrenching staying power. I assed a mate's car. The stench lasted for 4 days and made his girlfriend throw up on the second day!!!

I sprayed some in my house for one of my mates to try — instant eye–watering stench. My dad thought the toilet had broken; then thought he'd stepped in dog shat; then changed his mind and accused me of shatting my pants.

A few weeks ago at a party, I managed to spray my mother–in–law (who I absolutely HATE) with at least 20 sprays of Liquid ASS direct to her clothes. Needless to say, the results were fantastic and it is probably the only time I've enjoyed being anywhere near her (even though she smelt like she'd been rolling in shat all day!). Watching people's reaction when she'd walk up to talk to them was priceless. I've never laughed so much in my whole life. She had NO idea what had hit her. She left the party really early, so I didn't have to put up with her usual whining and moaning that I'm not good enough for her daughter and "When are you going to have kids?", etc!

I will definitely be back for more ASS in the future, as well as try out some BARFume at some stage!

   — Cam from Australia

11March2011   Mate and Work Pranks:  ". . . that they were digging up the grounds with an excavator . . ."

Howdy boys, I wanted to kiss your asses and tell you what a wonderful product you have got there. I have a couple of funny ones:

1) Sprayed Liquid ASS under the passenger seat of my mate's car. He ended up ripping out the seats, the carpet, and then the dashboard trying to find the "shat in the bag that one of you c**ts hid in there." Eventually, one of his mates told him what I had done (after watching him pull his car apart all day). When he caught up with me a few weeks later, I thought I might cop a flogging, but he was too afraid I would do it again or somewhere worse (I threatened to do his bedroom).

2) Gave a mate a bottle. He takes it to work and sprays his boss' "this is for my use only" toilet. The boss storms around all day blaming everyone for using his shitter. My mate gives it another good spray and shuts the door before heading home for the day. When he gets to work the next morning, he is alarmed that the boss has got a full plumbing team in and that they were digging up the grounds with an excavator trying to locate the broken sewer pipe! He just watched on in awe of the power of the ASS.

Looking foward to getting my hands on some BARFume. Thanks a lot.

   — Seanass

10March2011   Work Prank:  "It was so bad that a few guys were gagging and running outside."

The day after I received my Liquid ASS, I proceeded to pollute the break room where all the employees (40 or so) meet before being dispatched in the morning. It was so bad that a few guys were gagging and running outside. LMAO!!!!!

The foremen were so pissed that they were threatening to suspend the person(s) who did it.

That shat made my day!!!

   — MM

11February2011   Dealing with the Loud Neighbors:  ". . . someone saying it smelled like a dead body!"

My husband and I were living in this apartment and the people that lived across the hall from us had people coming and going throughout the whole day, being really loud and retarded. Also they made the hall smell of weed and the smell would seep into our place.

So anyway, we got the Liquid ASS and my husband squirted it in front of their door. From then on we'd hear things like,

     "Oh my word, what is that?"

     "Who shat their pants?!"

And my favorite was someone saying it smelled like a dead body!

People walking through were checking their shoes, it was great. Then one day I hear people talking in the hall, so I look through the peep hole and the apartment maintenance guys were looking in the storage closet next to their apartment. They were looking around the floor trying to figure out where the source of the smell. The smell lasted for days. It was completely awesome and not even their constant spraying of Lysol could kill it!

   — Mike and Kelly Loaded ASS Avengers

09February2011   Dealing with the Argumentative, Farting Coworker:  "He will argue about ANYTHING with ANYONE at ANYTIME for no other reason than it being the only way he knows how to start a conversation."

I ordered my first 4–pack of Liquid ASS a few months ago and was ASStounded at the ferocity of the funk contained in those tiny bottles. The overpowering, vicious stench was so utterly foul, so unbelievably vile, that it could stop death itself cold in its tracks. Skunks cower in fear and shudder at the slightest whiff of this maloderous concoction. As I mentioned in a previous testimony, the English language falls short of having the capacity to accurately describe the smell of Liquid ASS, but try to imagine performing a post mortem colonoscopy on Chris Farley with your nose . . . or if you fed a rat chili until it died from an intestinal impaction, ate the rat, shit it out, shoved it back up your ass, let in marinate for a week or so, and ran a hose from your assh**e to a gas mask strapped to your face. If you can imagine either of those things, you might have something of an idea as to the wretched stank that is Liquid ASS.

You really have to be something of a bastard to actually go through with using this stuff on someone. Luckily for me, I am just such a bastard. After performing an initial test assing in a public restroom at the grocery store and a few other minor assings with UNBELIEVABLE success, it was time to put this stuff to work, exacting revenge, reeeeeeally screwing with people.

My first target would be Jeff (not his real name). An unbelievable prick of a coworker, Jeff is a big dumb lummox, a maladjusted oaf, a huge lumpy slob of a mutant. He has NO idea how to relate to another human being, so he instead starts aguments with people. He will argue about ANYTHING with ANYONE at ANYTIME for no other reason than it being the only way he knows how to start a conversation. He argues about tedious minutia, silly bullshat that no one else in the world cares about.

Once he called me at night — on my personal time — while I was in bed to argue about how many lumens his freaking flashlight put out. WHAT A LOSER! As if this wasn't annoying enough, this disgusting social retard seems to think that farting is HILARIOUS. And it very well might be if it were every once in awhile, but this freak farts ALL DAY long, constantly. He farts in the office, in the car, in the field, at job sites. He farts and grins like a retarded 15 year old. It doesn't matter how you react or what you say, everyday it's the same — fart, fart, fart, fart, fart.

On the first day, I waited until Jeff was about to go home. He argued with me for a minute about the size of my shoes or something equally arbitrary, farted, giggled, and turned away to walk out of the office. As soon as he turned around, I squirted Liquid ASS all over the back of his pant legs and followed him at a distance. I gave him a minute or two to get into his car and then I went out to the parking lot. He drove across the lot and when he got toward the exit, he stopped his car, got out and started examining the bottoms of his shoes. Then he pulled out the floor mats, smelling them. He checked is whole freaking car and finally gave up and drove home.

Two days later I got him again, only this time I did it in the morning. Jeff is a service tech and spends most of the day out on the road paired with another tech. When they got back to the office that afternoon, Jeff looked stressed and he was unusually quiet. He left without arguing or saying anything at all. His partner came up to me and said, "That son of a bitch is out of control with his farting! I swear he shat himself today!"   "Really?", I asked.  He then told me that Jeff stunk like shat for hours and that he gave him a hard time about it and yelled at Jeff in front of people, and made him go to the bathroom to check his pants before he let him back in the car.

I've been ASSing him two or three times a week for the last five weeks, sometimes in the morning and sometimes in the evening. I've seen him catch a whiff of himself and make a beeline to the restroom to check himself a few times. He DEFINITELY feels more conspicuous now and isn't nearly as eager to start arguments. He still farts, but not quite as much as before. I intend to keep this up until he quits or commits himself for psychiatric evaluation.

Liquid ASS is more horrible than Sara Jessica Parker and more fun than prison sex. I HIGHLY recommend it! Next target . . . Sales staff!!! Muah hahahaha(maniacal laughter)hahahaha!!!!!!!

   — the ASSassin

04January2011   Pranking Fun at High School:  "The teacher put the trash can outside — like that could help."

I bought a bottle of Liquid ASS so I could see how effective it was to use at school. Here are my results.

First, I ASS'd the bathroom — 3 sprays. I overheard the following comments:

     "No one go in there because it smells like horse feces!"

     "What the f**k is that!"

Next, I ASS'd my biology classroom — 2 sprays. I overheard the following comments:

     "Oh my word, I think I'm gonna puke!"

     "Please, let me leave!"

The teacher put the trash can outside — like that could help. haha.

Finally, I ASS'd the bus — half the bottle. haha. I overheard the following comments:

     "Smells like straight up booty."

     "Whoever shat themselves, please just admit to it."

     "Dude, let me off right here, please. PLEASE!"

This product is no joke. If you want a literal and not exaggerated description of the smell of Liquid ASS, then here it is. Imagine shatting in a bathroom. Now leave it there for a few days and then come back. That is the EXACT smell.

I'm ordering 8 bottles next time so I can get the whole school. Thanks for the amazing product!

   — redfallout

28December2010   Grocery Store Bathroom Prank:  "It was as if they were storing tainted cheese in there and I just happened to arrive moments after a yak wandered in to take a giant shat on the floor."

After hearing all the hype about Liquid ASS, I finally gave in and ordered some. I figured that even if it was half as good as it was advertised, it would be a funny enough prank to spend a few dollars on. Well, I just received it today and let me tell you . . . this stuff is FOUL beyond my ability to verbalize. If I were to make an attempt, I might say that if you took a 300 pound slob off the street, forbade him from bathing or wiping for a month, in which time you fed him a steady diet of chili dogs, fried fish, and cabbage. Then you spread his ass cheeks apart and stuck your nose right up to his slimy, rotten old dirt star — this might be similar to the hideous stench produced by Liquid ASS. It REALLY is THAT awful!

On the way home from work today, I stopped at the local grocery store so I could put this stuff to a practical test while I got my shopping done. I headed straight for the men's restroom which luckily was vacant at the time. Bypassing the urinals, I went into the handicapped size stall and squirted some Liquid ASS around the base of the toilet and on the floor, in the corners of the stall, and made a hasty exit. I went about my shopping, taking my time as the store was crowded and I had quite alot to buy.

After about 25 minutes I made my way back over by the restrooms and observed 2 employees scowling and shaking their heads in apparent disgust. One of them held his nose as he gestured wildly torward the restroom door. Naturally I had to see just how bad it was, so I walked up toward the door. When I was about 3 or 4 feet away from it, I could smell this unholy stench THROUGH THE CLOSED DOOR. It was as if they were storing tainted cheese in there and I just happened to arrive moments after a yak wandered in to take a giant shat on the floor. I opened the door and I was assaulted by the most disgusting, ungodly horror I have ever smelled in my entire life. I pretended to be just as shocked and put off by this as the employees were as I said, "What the hell happened in there?!" to one of them. They apologized to me profusely and directed me to the employee restroom in the back.

I finished my shopping and checked out about 20 minutes after this and by that time, they had taped an "OUT OF ORDER" sign to the restroom door. Now THAT ladies and gentlemen, is money well spent.

I'm looking forward to WREAKING havoc at work with Liquid ASS. The pranks and revenge scenarios are ENDLESS. This stuff is pure evil.

   — Kris

10December2010   Dealing with the Neighbors:  "It was the best way to get along with this crud of a neighbor."

I bought Liquid ASS from you in 2008 because of a neighbor. I had been googling neighbor revenge and that's how I found Liquid ASS.

The guy next door has a run down house — rusted gutters, planks missing from his house, expandable foam from the inside out where the planks are missing, etc. Between that and his always parking his truck in front of my house (he has a driveway, I don't), I had had enough.

Our houses are close together. So close that his wife puts on a show in the bathroom everyday without fail. I sprayed the the whole bottle of Liquid ASS into that bathroom window. I could hear them complaining about it.

Next up, I knew his morning routine. Every morning he would open his door, lay his lunch pail and coffee mug down on the step, and go and water his hanging tomato plants on the other side of the porch. The fine line stream of Liquid ASS made it's way to his coffee mug and pail . . . hilarious. And because he was so taken aback, I nailed him on the back of his pant legs as he walked to his truck!

The last time I used it was on his screened front door. They had to close the door! It was too much. It was the best way to get along with this crud of a neighbor. I have since sold my house and left, but at least I was able to have some fun!!

Thanks! Highly recommend the stuff!

   — Rob in NJ

02December2010   Dealing with the Tow Company:  "Needless to say, it smelled like ass immediately."

I live in a dumb f**king apartment complex in Virginia. Parking in my complex is a bitch because there's a drawn out process to getting a parking permit. And if you don't have one, the tow company nearby consists of Nazi ninjas who will tow you IMMEDIATELY.

I tried to skate by the other night, but they got me. I woke up the next morning and saw the car was gone. I grabbed a bottle of Liquid ASS and headed for the tow company. I emptied the entire bottle in their closet–sized office. Needless to say, it smelled like ass immediately. As I was driving away, I saw the two inbred f**ks standing outside looking dumbfounded at me as if I had shat my pants or something.

Thanks, Liquid ASS. You guys have a wonderful product.

   — Seph

28November2010   New Weapon in Bag–o–Tricks:  "Awesome product that went beyond my expectations!"

As a long–time office prankster, I was somewhat skeptical. My Liquid ASS 4–pack arrived promptly clad in rather spartan packaging and I quickly began tearing it open to determine as to whether or not I could include this product in my "bag–o–tricks".

Honestly, I don't really know how to describe this scent — it sits somewhere between a bottom that has not been wiped properly over the period of a week and a dead rodent that has been left to rot during the hottest days of summer.

That said, it truly goes beyond being a prank. This is a malicious weapon. If you're looking to sever ties with long–time friends, go ahead, you've been warned . . .

Awesome product that went beyond my expectations! Frightening . . .

   — Axxel

22November2011   Grateful for Liquid ASS Induced Laughter:  ". . . laughing as I watched people gag from smelling Liquid ASS."

I just wanted to express my thanks for many, many, many times of laughter and tears that came from my eyes just laughing as I watched people gag from smelling Liquid ASS. I want to thank you for helping to make my day so many times and getting back at my brother on pranks he pulled on me. I made him puke several times from the Liquid ASS spray that I got over a year ago.

Thanks so much and I will always be in front of long lines in stores thanks to Liquid ASS. Appreciate the fun and more to come.

   — Deizalmon1964

20November2010   The Testimonials Are NOT Exaggerating:  "Liquid ASS smells worse then all this."

After reading through the testimonials, I thought to myself, "They are exaggerating. Liquid ASS can't be that bad."

When I was a kid, my older brother used to take a dump, trick me into the bathroom, then hold the door closed while I was in there. I would hang my head out the window gagging, just for a breath.

Sometimes you wipe your butt and the paper breaks causing you to get it on your hands, and you smell it.

I worked in a jail as a corrections officer in a lock down block where all the guys decided they were going to paint their walls, floors, and bars with their own crap. Two other SERT guys and I had to go in there, remove the inmates — some by force — and have the trustees clean the cells. Some of the "force" involved wrestling these guys in their own crap.

Liquid ASS smells worse then all this.

I sprayed it in the loading dock area of my office — half of a squirt — and someone thought I crapped my pants. And the smell was still lingering 5 minutes later.

Putrid, awesome stuff!

   — Bad Wolf

16November2010   Invoking Odoriferous Memories:  "Instantly I was transported back, 30–some years . . ."

Jeez, dude . . . Ya know how smells evoke memories, yeah? One of the most fundamental links in the human brain is the primordial connection between a scent and the memory that scent may have established.

I received my ASS yesterday, went outside and (what I thought was) CAREFULLY took a sniff . . .

Instantly I was transported back, 30–some years, to a hot summer day on the North Dakota prairie, blasting along on my cousin's dirt bike grooving the lack of fences and, wondering what was over that next rise — WHOOSH, I was on my ass, up to my chest in the most gawd–awful, retch–worthy oily crap I'd ever even heard of. I had landed in the outflow treatment pond for a local dairyman who also emptied the occasional port–a–potty in the pond. Man, I puked, retched, gagged, and scrambled back on the 125 Kawasaki, heading for a creek to wash off. There were none nearby, so I had to actually ride home like that. I threw my helmet away and had to buy the bike because the smell never came off.

How you got THAT smell, rotten cowshat, chemical toilet, steaming sewage nastiness in a bottle I don't wanna' imagine. But man, you certainly gave me my $$$ worth! Thanx!

   — =M0=

13September2010   Office Pranks:  "They must be cleaning dead frogs out of the vents again."

Just to point something out here . . . this stuff does not smell like a fart. If you think it does, check your drawers. It smells like ass. A big, hairy, poorly wiped, rarely washed, possibly diseased, decaying ass. It is so real, you'll swear you can smell the hairs in it. I'm actually suspicious that it might not be artificial ingredients, but actual residue from someone's crack. It is THAT bad!

I tried it at work — nailed the elevator good. I watched one person after another step in and immediately step out and opt for the stairs. Only one flight of stairs, but that was a blessing by comparison even for the morbidly obese woman who also opted to take the stairs.

I tried it in the office. Thankfully my neighbor happened to have a fan aiming away from my own desk. I heard everything from "shart" to "dead rat" to "they must be cleaning dead frogs out of the vents again." One older gentleman actually went to the bathroom to check his own pants, just in case.

   — Greg

30August2010   First Trial of the Smell of Liquid ASS:  ". . . [the cat] was scraping the bare tile floor with his paw . . ."

My bottle of Liquid ASS arrived in the mail the other day. I wanted to try it at home before unleashing it at work. Entering the kitchen, I sprayed one tiny little "poof" and waited. Within one minute, the kitchen smelled as if an entire college football offensive line had overdone it at the taco stand the previous night.

It was so bad that the cat came into the kitchen and was scraping the bare tile floor with his paw as if he was trying to cover up a huge invisible turd! I've owned other fart sprays that didn't quite smell "right". But Liquid ASS really smells like the real deal.

One word of advice: This is best used in a room with more than 3 people. Crowded dance floors at weddings is ideal! For maximum enjoyment, do not overdo it. Only the worst of genuine human farts are capable of clearing a room. This stuff is extremely powerful so use sparingly to preserve realism. Also, do not let ANYONE know that you have this stuff. As soon as they find out, the fun is over.

   — Mack

16August2010   Conclusion on the Smell of Liquid ASS:  ". . . it is incredibly effective . . ."

I've finally figured out what this stuff smells like — warm elephant ass. It's as if you just put your face right up there while an elephant was doing its business. I've been to the zoo, and this is what their cages smell like. Somehow, Liquid Ass actually conjures the heat of a turd in their spray. You feel like you need a shower after smelling it.

I bought a bottle of this stuff and used it and I'll simply say that it is incredibly effective no matter what the intended use is.

   — Esso

13August2010   Customer Not Disappointed:  "Liquid ASS puts off a smell that could end a marriage."

I bought two bottles of this stuff last week after seeing all the online pranks and reviews. I was not disappointed in the least. Liquid ASS is without a doubt the foulest smell I have ever encountered in my twenty nine years life.

The only way I can explain the smell is to imagine putting a pile of cat crap in a bathtub full of rotten eggs, and urine that has been farted, and vomited in, then left to sit in the sun for a couple weeks. Two squirts of it had my wife gagging and me rolling on the floor laughing. It is truly a soul–shattering smell.

If you love playing jokes on unsuspected victims this is the product for you. But be warned — Liquid ASS puts off a smell that could end a marriage. lol

   — DD

01August2010   Italian City Hall Gets It for Banning US Flag:  "The Mayor himself was choking in his flamboyant office."

Hi, Super Assguys, this Italian Riviera city decided to remove a US Flag under the influence of anti-American locals. I even had a good old Star Sprangled Banner on a mast in front of my entrance gate in my home in this Italian city. I had to take it down as the local city hall mayor required it by mail stating it was illegal. The hell with this decision — a visit to the City Hall and a few bottles of Liquid ASS squirted in there made it a sweet revenge.

As I had to wait inside in order not to be assumed guilty of this horrible deed, I understood "fon culo" [ass crack] and other "mierda" [poop] being babbled by workers. The Mayor himself was choking in his flamboyant office. He came out untying his tie for some fresh air. They never knew where it came from! An American Revenge . . .

Also, a neighboring French friend had a problem in her building with a family of the white trash type. They'd been arguing for years for ridiculous reasons, just battling for the sake of it! They got a full bottle of LA on their front door mat. Another one on their freshly washed laundry drying at their balcony on a cord had another effect:

     "Ah, it smells like shat! What happened? Oh, my word!"

Our friend was laughing when they picked the clothes off the line! I believe that ended a never ending war!

   — Superfart

25July2010   Fun at the Strip Club:  "They thought he had shat his pants!"

My boy and I went to a local strip club. There was a 50+ year old guy there trying to mac on the strippers, so we decided he was going to be our "target" of opportunity. We would crop dust his ass and leave a trail of absolute funk! It was awesome. At one point, a stripper covered her nose with her dress and ran away from him! It was awesome. This went on for two hours. Later, the bouncers actually sprayed where he was with air freshener! They thought he had shat his pants! It was the most fun I have had just making some one else's life misearble. Your product is my new favorite!

On the way out, we crop dusted a bunch of gang bangers who immediately started to accuse each other of shatting themselves! AWESOME!

   — Steve

24July2010   Laid–off Employee Responds in His Own Way:  "They shut the bitch down . . ."

First of all, I would love to thank you, Assmen. Let me say this — I used your Liquid ASS at a job from which I was laid off. I was so mad. So I went to my car to get my bottle of Liquid ASS and came back and sprayed half the whole damn building. And you know what? They shut the bitch down for the rest of that week (and it happened on Monday). lol

They didn't know what it was. I have a friend who still works there. He still talks about it. The judge still wants to know who did it or what it was and how it got in there. But no one knows except me and my friend.

I am still allowed in the building and next time I'm going to do all 4 bottles. lol   Holy shat, huh? Hell, yeah, I hate them.

   — Benny

17July2010   Customer Impressed with Liquid ASS:  ". . . it's a f**king weapon."

WTF is in that shat!?!? Holy f**k shat f**king shat f**k!!!! Liquid ASS has to be the worst f**ked up shat I've ever smelled in my life!!!! It's like having huge turds lodged in your nostrils and forced to breath in all the shat particles!!!! I mean, seriously, why and how on earth did you come up with this shat!!??! (Don't answer that.) You guys are f**ked up . . . great job!

Liquid ASS is not a prank or a gag or a novelty item — it's a f**king weapon. I went to the movies and well . . . who needs to reserve seats when you got Liquid ASS. Haha! I cleared up enough seats for me and my buddies. Although we had to suffer some unpleasant odors. It was worth it for the seats. We got to watch Predators. Thanks, Assmen!

Extra note: I have a little sister that has a problem letting go of her "blanky". She's been attached to it for too long . . . a little Liquid ASS and I bet she'll never touch it again! Haha! And don't worry — my family is all for it. Haha.

P.S. The scene at the theatre — totally stealthy — no one knew what hit them. Haha!

   — Jorge

16July2010   Firehouse Pranks:  "When something wakes up 14 men in the middle of the night . . ."

I love this product . . . we all work with a**holes — the ones that think they are the best. Well, in my profession, it's worse than anywhere else. I use this product from time to time at the fire station. I try not to over use this stuff so I can make the torture last longer. I have used fart spray and other products like that before, but nothing compares to Liquid ASS. When something wakes up 14 men in the middle of the night saying, "What is that mother f**king smell!",  you know it's good. I get a lot of satisfaction when 14 men are looking through the AC system thinking something has died in it and mopping the floors while trying not to throw up at two in the morning . . . this stuff is awesome.

   — JC

13July2010   Neighbor Revenge and Fix:  ". . . she hasn't messed with the garbage since."

I would like to thank you, Assmen, for creating this awesome product.

So one night, I put the garbage out at the curb, and I come home to discover the garbage in the driveway. Someone has been doing this to everyone. Next week, my son sees that it is the neighbor who mooches off other neighbors. So I gave the jerk another chance. GUESS WHAT? THE BASTARD DOES IT AGAIN!

So I searched "Neighbor Revenge" on Google. I see this forum, and the 1st suggestion I see is Liquid ASS. I decided to try it. I was surprised how fast it came. That shat smelled BAD even when the bottle was closed. It smelled 400x worse than fish sauce (I'm exaggerating), but Liquid ASS smells like PURE ASS! This was perfect.

So I went on to ASS the garbage, and at 1 am on Thursday, I sneaked through the neighborhood, and ASS'd the air conditioner unit on her house and the vent on her car.

The next morning, I was awakened by a siren at 8 AM. It was the COPS! When I saw the cop at the neighbor's house, I started cracking up. That set the score straight, and she hasn't messed with the garbage since.

Thank you, Assmen. You helped me a lot.

   — Mario

06July2010   Revenge and Bathroom Pranks:  "I used to work at a pig farm and this is ten times worse!"

I have had Liquid ASS for a week or so now and it smells RANK! I have done a few minor ASSings here and there, but today were my first big ones.

It's the school holidays and I decided to bus to town. But as I was waiting at the bus stop, the neighborhood A–holes started throwing stones at me and my friends (real mature!). They did this for a while and upon not receiving a reaction, they came up and punched my friend (a female) in the face! My friend, who had one of my bottles of ASS at the time, ran after him and emptied a good half a bottle on his head, face, and back. He took off his jacket and looked like he was about to puke. After abuse was hurled and we were laughing our asses off, his mom came out and went to pick up his jacket. He said, "Don't take that! It smells like bum!"  (Actually, it smelled like ass!)  His mum said to stop being stupid and upon picking up the jacket she said, "Holy shat! It does smell like bum!"  We couldn't stop laughing for the entire bus ride.

Upon arriving in town we went to a public toilet (with terrible ventilation) and put a third of a bottle in there! I then locked myself in a cubicle, blocked my nose (which didn't help — I could TASTE it!), and listened to reactions. Someone muttered, "Smells like someone ate Indian food, locked themselves in a cubicle, shat, died, and lay there for several months."  Another said "I used to work at a pig farm and this is ten times worse!"  I laughed until my sides ached.

Thanks for the brilliant product! I hope to get some video next time!

   — The Deadly ASSASSin

04July2010   Bedroom Prank:  "The person couldn't even sleep in the room."

Hey! Today was my first time using Liquid ASS. It was absolutely the purest most disgusting smell I have ever smelled in my life. My compliments to the chef.

Anywho, I sprayed it in a medium sized room — about 5 squirts. This was in someone's bedroom and everyone had to evacuate. The person couldn't even sleep in the room.

Kudos on the product. It is by far the most putrid substance I have ever come in contact with.

   —  I–da–man

22June2010   Dealing with Loud Neighbors:  ". . . there was total silence downstairs . . ."

I have lived in the upper duplex for over three years. New young tenants moved in about 6–7 weeks ago and they are rude in every way imaginable. I've complained to everyone possible and turns out no one really cares — they don't have to live with the loud noises at all hours of the night.

Then it hit me — Liquid ASS. While the two rotten neighbors were at their evening church choir group, I loaded a syringe with this putrid liquid gold and injected their window air conditioner unit. A small amount actually backfired. (I used too much force on the syringe — noted to not use as much force on next injection.) It hit me in the face. Yep, Karma, but it was 100% worth it.

I quickly showered then sat on my deck. Appears they returned home while I was showering and there was total silence downstairs — you could have heard a pin drop. This is south Texas and it's 100 F in the shade. I could not imagine sitting without air conditioning. But I sure do enjoy the silence.

   — Miss Fed Up

12June2010   High School Prank Worth Getting in Trouble:  "It was just TOO DAMN FUNNY to pass up!"

Hey! I just got suspended from school on my last day as a sophomore pending disorderly conduct from the magistrate! I used Liquid ASS (LOVED IT) all day and eventually it caught on and I got in trouble. So worth it, in my opinion! It was just TOO DAMN FUNNY to pass up! My only regret is their taking my bottle of Liquid ASS . . . oh well! GREAT PRODUCT!

   — Iron from Murrysville

[Note: To help Iron from Murrysville with his dilemma, we suggested that he show the principal our MSDS which clearly states that Liquid ASS has been tested to be safe and harmless.]

12May2010   High School Prank:  ". . . the whole left side of my high school was empty because of the smell!"

I never write back to the manufacturer, but Liquid ASS is outstanding. I ordered on Friday and got it Tuesday! I sprayed 4 squirts in my friend's locker and, within 45 minutes, the whole left side of my high school was empty because of the smell!

I love this product and have to order more! Thanks Assman 1 & 2!

   — Ugh Jerry_in_Ak

11May2010   Elevator Prank:  "Someone took a shat in there."

Just today, I used what was left of my Liquid ASS at my doctor's office. Most specifically, my doctor's appointment was on the third floor of the building, and there were 2 elevators. Just before going up one of them, I went in to the washroom on the first floor (they are locked, only one key) to try and get the mister working, as that is what I had with me. No go. Anyhow, I manage to come up with an idea — just dump the rest of it. I got on one of the elevators and did just that.

For the half an hour I was waiting, I got a few comments. One is a guy with a trolley full of copier/printer paper who came off that elevator and didn't say anything. But, when he gets back to the elevator, he mentions that he would rather take the other one down. The funny part was that both opened, but by the time he realized the one he wanted on was open — crash, too late — door closed already. He waited some more and said something along the lines of like, "Someone took a shat in there."

I heard others mention the elevator smelled weird. And someone else gets off the elevator I didn't ASS and mentions that they were told on first floor that they didn't want to ride the other elevator. Apparently, they checked it out and wisely avoided it.

When I was on my way down, an hour and a half later, I ended up back on the ASS'd elevator. It smelled like they tried air freshener which totally failed to cover the smell.

I have another appointment coming up in 3 weeks. If only I had some more Liquid ASS. The streamer tip is definitely much easier to apply, due to the fact that I can be much more discreet with it, even when I can't board the elevators alone, which is quite often.

   — Joe Schmoe

23April2010   Happy Customer:  "The smell exactly replicates that of a bum–hole."

Your product really delivers. The smell exactly replicates that of a bum–hole.

Expect future purchases from me.

   — JP

28March2010   Bathroom Prank:  "This is probably man's greatest achievement."

This stuff is primo ass. A big name box store had to close down the bathroom because of the powerful smell. This is probably man's greatest achievement.

Keep up the good work and I will talk to you guys in a couple weeks when I need more!

   — The Ass-prentice

12March2010   Kudos to the Inventors:  "Liquid ASS has completely exceeded my expectations."

Let me compliment you on a very fine product. Liquid ASS has completely exceeded my expectations. It is utterly vile and I adore it.

   — Becky Ruxpin

10March2010   High School Prank:  ". . . the school was being evacuated."

Liquid ASS is one of the best products I have ever purchased. Here is my story. I go to a fairly large high school with many annoying people that were just asking to get ASS'd. I gave a few bottles to my friend and our mission was to spray Liquid ASS all over the building without getting caught. We had everything planned out. We each got to spray 5 bottles on 2 floors (4 floors total). After about 15 minutes, we had covered all four floors. We both came to class early and waited for the teacher to arrive. He never did. After 30 minutes of waiting, there was an announcement to all rooms that the school was being evacuated. When we got outside to the huge schoolyard, we were told that there was a broken sewage pipe and we were dismissed.

On the next day, it smelled like ass freshener (Liquid ASS with air fresheners) and we only had about 6 people per class because of the smell. After about 50 minutes of confusion, it was clearly seen that the teachers did not come either and we just had a free week off.

Thanks Liquid ASS! I will be ordering more ASS soon!

   — Inhuman

05March2010   Using Liquid ASS to Get the Toilet Fixed:  ". . . by noon the plumbers had been called and the toilet repaired . . . and cleaned!"

I work in IT in a building that has almost nonexistent maintenance. Basically, things get broken and no one ever comes to fix them. I've seen things broken for years on end with no repair in sight. Management just doesn't give a shat. So . . . last week someone went into the bathroom and dropped a humongous dump in the only toilet, clogging and breaking it. (It's one of those stupid "auto–flush" models, so once the infra–red "eye" stops working, it won't flush.) This left us with a feces–filled toilet that no one could use (and no one wanted to go near).

{Fast forward a whole damn WEEK.}   The toilet is still filled with stale feces and has an "out of order" sign on it. That was the final straw.

I still had a small amount of Liquid ASS left over from my infamous "Night of the Living ASS" event over the Christmas holidays.  [Four stories down from this one.]  Now was the time for it to come into play. If management couldn't be bothered to call a damn plumber, I was going to MAKE them want to. So early yesterday morning I got in before everyone else and emptied the remainder of the bottle all over the bathroom and all around the bowl. I left, came back a half hour later to check out the result . . . it was a masterpiece. I opened the door and was assaulted by a wall of fresh stench that would make your eyes water.

Needless to say, by noon the plumbers had been called and the toilet repaired . . . and cleaned! Squeaky wheel gets the grease? Pshaw . . . more like LIQUID ASS GETS RESULTS!

   — Chicken Head

22February2010   High School Pranks:  ". . . kids were gagging putting their shirts over their noses."

Thank you guys so much for Liquid ASS. It is the BEST . . . THE BEST prank/gag ever. So much better than those stupid glass stink bombs.

I sprayed some in the bathrooms in my school and people were gagging thinking some one smeared shat on the walls. One person who was taking a big old shat was talking to himself in the bathroom stall where I dumped some ASS. He said, "Oh my word, some one took a huge shat in here. I dont know what the f**k he ate, man, but SHAT!!!"  I was laughing so hard!!!

Then I got the school hallways where kids were gagging putting their shirts over their noses. I lent the bottle to one kid on my bus. He sprayed 5 sprays and the whole bus reeked like ASS.

Thank You ASSMEN for the BEST product ever made!!!

   — Crap Cakes

19February2010   Smell of Money Pranks:  ". . . they drive away in the dead of winter with the window down and his hand hanging out of the window."

Since discovering the greatest ass product in the history of ass products, I've spent all my time searching for the ideal situations to deploy its stinky goodness.

Putting Liquid ASS on money and waiting for dumbasses to pick it up is absolutely priceless. I go to the video store on a Saturday night and park in the parking lot facing the front door. Then I'll put a few quarters on a piece of cardboard and ASS them up real good. It's best to get out of the car to do this obviously. I'll drop them by the front door and go back to my car to wait and watch the fun. The first time I tried this, a husband and wife spotted the bait and he picked it up on the way into the store. Two minutes later, he comes out of the store and waits around outside for his wife. When she comes out with the movies, they both get in the car and they drive away in the dead of winter with the window down and his hand hanging out of the window.

The next time I tried it, two goofs who looked like they were dressed up to go out on the town came walking out of the store and picked up the bait. The guy who picked it up had a big smile on his face like it was his luckiest day for finding 50 cents. He pockets the change and struts to the car. Almost as soon as the car door slammed closed, it opened again and he got out of the car quickly. He lifted and checked the bottom of both shoes before getting back in the car and driving off.

My third money ASSing went very well. A kid and his older sister were walking into the store when he picked up the bait. Me and my friend went into the store ourselves just to see close up the effects of Liquid ASS. When we got inside, the store had already the stench of Andre the Giant's long dead ass and the sister was asking the kid if he wanted to go home and wash his hands. The best part is she was laughing at him the whole time making it more humiliating for him.

Besides the smelly money trick, I'm also fond of just walking up and spraying my ASS mister on annoying people when they aren't looking. I was at a local hockey game, and a busload of fans from the opposing team were in the arena on a road trip. When their team scored, this one lady stood up and applauded for a long time. Well I don't like it when another team's fans come into my building and act like they can support the enemy. I waited until intermission and followed her down into the hallway. I got up close behind her in a crowd of people and pumped a couple of squirts of Liquid ASS on her back. She didn't stand up to clap for the rest of the game, probably because she was too embarassed about smelling like rancid cow shat. I'll bet it was a fun 4 hour bus ride home for that fan!

Thanks Assmen, you truly have enriched my life and given it meaning.

   — The Phantom Ass

27January2010   Dealing with A–holes:  ". . . it's a whole new world out there!"

Well, it's a whole new world out there!

Being in posession of your wonderful product has all of a sudden opened my eyes to the number of people who truly act like assh***s when they don't really have to. And, so, now having the means to make their personal environments commensurate with their intrinsic natures, I have now embarked on a mission to help those mean–spirited people to live in harmony with the smell their nasty natures give off.

I was at the gym this evening and just happened to be leaving when one of the gym instructors (a guy who absolutely thinks he is God's gift to women) turned up with his usual swagger and cockiness apparent. Having a sneaky moment's access to his gym bag, whilst he was posing in front of a mirror and chatting up the reception chick, I just couldn't hold myself back from giving his gear a healthy squirt. The scream of combined horror and rage that came from him when he picked his bag up was something to behold and, I have to say, made the veins in his neck and face pop out in a way that I don't think he manages even when he is doing a really heavy lift. Priceless!

   — David in Melbourne

19January2010   Night of the Living ASS:  ". . . the greater the stench was becoming."

Greetings, oh Creators of the Almighty ASS. Do I have a tale for you. I call it, "The Night of the Living ASS." See, everyone has their own "Mt. Everest" moment. One of those things where you accomplish something so great you just KNOW you won't be able to do it again. This is one of those times.

A bit of background first: I bought a couple bottles of Liquid ASS that have the pump spray nozzle. I have found this nozzle to be less than desirable (takes too many pumps to get any long–lasting result, lots of backspray on my hands, and — let's face it — hard to conceal). So, I took an old Dristan nasal spray bottle. I took a small nail and made the small hole at the top larger (so it would squirt instead of creating a mist). Then, I emptied a whole bottle of Liquid ASS into a cup, and then proceeded to suck the foul stuff back into the Dristan bottle. And, voila, instant camouflaged squirt bottle that can be easily palmed (and no backspray!).   [Note that we offer Liquid ASS in a streaming tip bottle for just such reasons.]   ANYWAY . . . this was the lead up to THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING ASS.

I've been carrying this mini–grenade of stench around in my jacket pocket for months waiting for the right moment. Over the Christmas holidays, that moment arrived at last. Once a year, me and the old blokes I grew up with meet for dinner, drinks, and general debauchery. This was the moment I was waiting for. I arrived at the restaurant early. We had reserved a back room ahead of time. I found the nearest washroom and proceeded to ASS THE SHAT out of it. I squirted it everywhere — all around the toilet, on the walls, behind the sink. Used half a bottle right there. Satisfied, I returned to the lobby and waited for the blokes to arrive.

Dinner was unsatisfactory. The food was ok, but the dumbasses didn't use the washroom I had ASS'd! They were all wandering across the bar to the other one on the end of the building. Time was passing and I was getting mad having wasted half a bottle for naught. So I did what any other enterprising bastard would do — I took the bottle and squirted some under the dinner table.

The reaction was gradual, but insistent. First the murmurs and mutterings, then the open, "What the f**k stinks?" Thanks to the air conditioning, the stench was staying only on one side of the table, so the other side wasn't getting it . . . yet. Finally, people were starting to accuse each other of having shat themselves. People were leaving the room. FINALLY, someone hit the bathroom that I pre–ASS'd and came back saying the shitter smelled worse and that a sewer pipe must have broken. Even the waitress was staying the hell away. But this was only the beginning . . . of the NIGHT OF THE LIVING ASS. We then went to a bar.

Someone picked a snooty little jazz club. What the hell, the beer was cheap. And get this —when we got there the place smelled newly cleaned (like javex and cleaner). It wouldn't for much longer. Thanks to the lighting and some strategic positioning, I entered into "Phase 2" of my bastardly ways. I found my target — one of my blokes who has a history of losing control of bodily functions when he drinks too much. I squirted a shatload on his pantlegs and shoes, and walked away. As more and more people showed up at the bar, the greater the stench was becoming. No one could identify it. Bar staff were walking around saying, "Yeah, I smell it, too." Accusations started flying again:


     "You shat yourself!"

     "Ok, everyone check their shoes."

     "This bar smells like stank."

The poor bastard that I had ASS'd was on the defensive, so I decided "f**k it" and ASS'd another one of my blokes — squirted it all over his pants and shoes as well. The whole place was rank. Finally we decided to leave and the bartender was heard to remark, "So it's your crew that stinks!"

But this is not the end . . . there is still more to THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING ASS. The two suckers I ASS'd in the bar had already left, leaving the rest of us to pile into the designated driver's SUV. I was planning to leave, BUT . . . before I did, another pristine opportunity presented itself to me in the form of an open SUV door and no eyes upon me. I emptied what was left of my Dristan bottle of doom into the back seat of the SUV and took my leave.

The next day I found out that the "Who shit their pants?" accusations had shifted to the occupants of the SUV (a stench that no doubt lingered for days to come). The best part was that, due to my random assing, no one could definitively identify the source of the ASS. I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.

Truly this is an event that will be talked about for ages to come. I came, I saw, I ASS'd.

   — Chicken Head

05January2010   Office Prank:  ". . . I walked around with a big ass smile knowing that my plan had worked!"

Today was the day I got 9 bottles of Liquid ASS! I didn't know where to start so I called my dad for a little inspiration. We needed to make a test run to see the True Power of the Ass! Well, little did we know our test run would be the best of the day.

The target was a bathroom inside my office. That way people would think someone just took a Big Shat. So with a L.A spray bottle in hand, I headed off to the bathroom. I used 1 spray on each stall wall (4 sprays) thinking that was sure to do the job. Little did I know that was MORE than enough! For the rest of the day, I cried tears of love for L.A. As people started to talk and get sick from the nasty F***ing smell, I walked around with a big ass smile knowing that my plan had worked!

One of the best quotes I got all day was when one lady said, "It f***ing smells like the inside of a assh**e!" I couldn't have put it better myself!

Happy with my days work I went to my desk to shut thing down for the day. But before I finished, I got a email from the CEO of the company titled "Bathroom". In my head, all I could think was — damn busted! I opened the email to find a forwarded email from a co–worker saying, "I think the valve in the bathroom that was never replaced for the last few months is what may be causing the awful smell. I went in there and now feel sick." At the bottom of the CEO's email was a note to me saying, "Good Job". Got to love a boss with a since of humor!

Love the Product. I will be returning soon! When ordering L.A make sure you try the new spray bottles — they kick ass! Keep on assing!

   — Jonny L.

01January2010   English Customer Impressed with Liquid ASS:  "It really is a wicked, wicked, wicked stink."

Never before have I smelt anything quite as offensive as Liquid ASS. I take my hat off to you with this. Better than any Stink Bomb. The smell is simply putrid to say the least. What the hell is in the stuff to make it smell like that? It actually makes you retch when you sniff it.

Liquid ASS smells like poo mixed with sweat and urine along with a slight decomposition / rotting smell. It really is a wicked, wicked, wicked stink.

Full marks to you. I have had so much fun winding people up with it and watching them heave at the stink. Very, very, very funny!

   — Stefan in England

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