Liquid ASS Prank Operations and Testimonials from our Customers

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Our Customers Share Their Opinions and Stories of the "Shit-Laden Stench" of Liquid ASS

24January2008 High School Prank: ". . . the stench was unbelievable."

Hey guys, just thought I'd pass along a hilarious story to you. I was sitting in Algebra — first day back from a 4 day weekend — last period of the day, so everyone is burnt out — as boring as watching cheese age. PERFECT time to unleash some Liquid ASS! Wakey wakey. I first sneaked a spray underneath the desk in front of me. I was sitting on the far wall in the class in a carpeted, poorly ventilated room. Nothing immediately, just a few noses crinkling and checks of the shoes for dog crap. After a few minutes, the realization began to sink in that if they were to continue to sit where they were, they'd probably start vomiting because by now the stench was unbelievable. The teacher ordered everyone sitting on my side to relocate farther left, the stench not reaching her or the left side yet.

I moved behind my friend and he was saying how he couldn't smell anything. Bad thing to tell me! I sprayed a good stream under his desk and to the left of me to give the people over there a greeting. After a few seconds, he turned around and gave the most twisted face and exclaimed, "OOOOH!" and draped his jacket over his nose. By this time, it had spread to the teacher who had to stop her lesson and stand outside for fear she would throw up. She was blowing her nose and rubbing her eyes the whole period. There was not a single person not holding their nose or draping their shirt or jacket over their face. Some comments that I heard were

"It smells like horse boo-boo!"

"Someone needs to wipe their ass!"

"Is there something dead in the ceiling or something amiss?"

and the best comment I heard:

"I'd rather shove my head up an elephant's ass for a day than stay in this room another minute!"

after which, he left the room. I just wish I could have gotten this on video!

Thanks again, ASSmen!

— John from Arlington TX

16January2008 Pranks at a Wedding Reception: "That was one of the funniest days of my life."

I gotta tell you guys this funny story about Liquid ASS. It all started the morning of my brother's wedding. All the guys were meeting up at my parents' house for a few beers before the limo arrived. I was trying to get ideas on how to "introduce" this stuff at the wedding reception. Well, I had to give it a spray for myself because I just missed smelling it.

My first prank was to spray my dad's beer can with it when he left it unattended for a second. Well, he did, and I sprayed it about 5 times. He came back from the bathroom and grabbed his beer. The goal was to get it to transfer to his hands. Well, it went a bit farther then that, You see, my dad didn't smell it until he started drinking it. My dad has a very big caveman–style beard and the Liquid ASS got all inside his beard AND on his hand. I was laughing so hard my stomach was hurting. He had the smell of ass on his nose for the rest of the night. It was inbedded in his beard.

Later that night at the reception, I was planning a prank on my grandfather. I duct–taped a remote–controlled fart machine under the table he was sitting at before all the guests arrived. When it would get silent for a toast or something, I would press the button and everyone would hear this loud fart. Everyone would look around and talk under their breath. I was trying so hard to keep a straight face. Well, I knew my grandfather had to use the bathroom sooner or later so when I noticed him getting up, I quickly went to the men's room and emptied a half of a bottle into all the stalls. Luckily, no one was in there when I was doing it. I got out and back to my seat before anyone entered and my grandfather was still slowly walking to the men's room. The look on his face when he came out was priceless. Matter of fact, the look on every guy's face in there was priceless when they exited. It was the talk at the bar. Everyone was asking who took a shit in the men's room. The hall even had to send in a janitor to sanitize the room.

Well, maybe 30 minutes later, the smell was still in there and it was now starting to leave the room and make its way to the dance floor where the disc jockey was playing. He was holding his nose and trying to play music all at the same time. The worse part for him was he couldn't move. The smell even made its way over to the ladies' room and that's when the prank was out of the bag. You see, I got my wife with it and she will never forget that smell. Once she smelt it, she knew where it came from. Later in the night, I was showing off the bottle which I had in my pocket all night. I'm sure some of my relatives have bought a bottle or 2 since then.

That was one of the funniest days of my life. Thanks Liquid ASS.

— Brad from MA

30December2007 Prank on the Boss's Van: ". . . [I] watched with exciteful glee as she recoiled in horror."

Oh where do I begin? I took a long hiatus from ASSing after I was caught in school doing it (I was less than subtle). Some of my more recent escapades include ASSing my boss's work van. (I later quit that job.) My boss was a real ball–buster — always complaining about one thing or another. I emptied an entire bottle of Liquid ASS into her van and watched with exciteful glee as she recoiled in horror. Even better was that we had to ride to our places of business gagging. I had built up an immunity to the smell so it bugs me a lot less. After 2 hours, I was chosen to attempt to "find the smell" and clean it up. I got a nice 45 minute break doing nothing and adding some more. I loved getting my bad boss.

Another great time was my family's Christmas gift pollyanna. The gifts were evenly matched with the amount of people and I snuck mine in there in a discreet little box. It was the last one there and my cousin was chosen to pick it up and open it. Now, if anyone else would have gotten it, they would have opened it and passed it around for all to sniff, but not my cousin. She opened it and sprayed a huge stream directly into the air. Since we were all in the basement, there was zero air circulation. For the next 10 to 15 minutes, uproarious laughter echoed throughout the basement on how bad the smell was and the look of my other cousin's face on how she almost puked over the floor. Pretty soon, perfume was sprayed, but that did little to mask the smell. So there we all were, in a basement that smelled like a bad hooker.

Superb stuff.

— Pat

29December2007 Father–Son Bonding Pranks: "We . . . were brought to our knees in laugh spasms."

I have used up a 9–pack of Liquid ASS. I am sending a money order for another 9–pack. Your product has brought my sons and me together for an important father/son bonding event; i.e., Liquid ASS has made Christmas shopping fun for me and my sons (17 and 21 years).

I had left a bottle of LA in my coat pocket and found it while parking at a nearby Home Depot. In front of the store was a display trailer with two doors and a man inside who was too busy playing on his laptop and talking on his cell phone. He couldn't give a rat's ass about us, so I LA'd the floor as we passed through the display trailer and out the back door. When we finished shopping, we drove past the trailer. The busy little man was still there, with his mouth and nose tucked down into his coat, still working on his laptop. We drove past 20 minutes later, to admire the stink–out and the man still had his nose down into his coat. The third and final drive by resulted in us stopping, waving and leaving slowly after we got the nose–diver's attention. He looked really pissed when the light came on and he realized our connection to his stink.

Same day, the boys and I went into a local food store (WINCO) and were running low on Liquid ASS (1/4th bottle). While spraying a electric wheelchair cart (fat fanny packer), my #2 son realized that we could go economy with LA by placing a few drops on the handle of a shopping cart. A lady (with a Bluetooth in her ear) left her loaded cart blocking our way. #2 son Liquid ASS'd her handlebar. We stood back and watched as the lady grabbed the handle, smelled her hand, wiped the hand on her pants, grabbed the handle and wiped again and seemed to realize that she had just ASS'd herself. We bailed to the next aisle and were brought to our knees in laugh spasms. I have never seen my boys with such difficulty controlling themselves. I let a friend, who works at the store in on our "secret". Chris sought us out 10 minutes later and reported seeing the lady and that she stunk and had gotten a white plastic bag and wrapped it around the handlebars of the shopping cart.

When the 9–pack of Liquid ASS arrives, we are planning more fun:

I am going to Liquid ASS one of those out of control crying kids, that make store visits problematic. #1 son says that Liquid ASSing the conveyor belt at checkout should net a large response. Mickey D's mens rooms are also getting LA on their door handles/push plates, while we relax with something to drink nearby.

By the way, I have been Liquid ASSing a fellow driver at my oil company in his Peterbilt. He has cleaned out his truck twice "and the smell won't stop". He believes that he has a mouse or rat in his truck. Guess what? I have a friend who oversees a science lab at Mt. Hood Community College and he is now saving mouse shit for me to put on this driver's truck floor — a way for this dingus to accept the stink that he now owns.

I tell you, if Liquid ASS wasn't as good as it truly is, my boys and I wouldn't be sharing such quality time.

— Wallbight

24December2007 Mall Pranks: ". . . it is amazing how real it smells."

I love you guys! This is f***ing amazing shit!

So far I've ASS'd a restaurant bathroom and a girly make–up store at the mall where I work. The restaurant was a tester to see how bad the stuff was. It smelt real bad, but since the bathroom was open, it didn't really have the impact that it did at the store. I squirted about 2 lines in an aisle at the store and people were clearing out holding their nose. Honestly, I have never laughed so hard on my lunch break.

For the amount of laughs I get per bottle, I think im gettin' a bargain ;) I got a wiff of that stuff and it is amazing how real it smells. It smells like a fresh turd shoved straight up your nose! I don't think you guys could do anything different to make it any better!

The guys at work know I have the Liquid ASS because I can't stop talking about it. So if I use it in the store, my boss will know its me. However, I am trying to think of a good time/place to use it. Im thinking Im going to ASS the university I go to, but I have to do it in a real small class so the impact is maximized.

My hat is off to you guys. Maybe not everyone can see the humor in stuff that smells like shit, but those guys are usually the best targets ;)

I will FOR SURE be getting more when I run out.

— "jon" :P

05December2007 Grateful Jokester: "[Liquid ASS] has made my life much more fun . . ."

I'd like to thank you for introducing me to Liquid ASS. It has made my life much more fun than what it already was. I'm the typical jokester around here and people love it when I break out the Liquid ASS. Just wanted to let you guys know to keep the smell going. I just ordered another 18 bottles yesterday from you.

Thanks.

— Mike in Hollywood, Florida

20November2007 Work Prank: "Holy crap, Liquid ASS is as good as it gets."

My first "mark" for Liquid ASS was a Bible–thumper named Joe. Joe is self–centered, anal, and was given a new company vehicle last month. To help Joe break in his cab, I applied Liquid ASS between the carpet and the plastic carpet protector. I also applied Liquid ASS in his industrial rubber gloves (stink–fingered — his first time). Joe did two things as a result. When he got into his truck and closed the door, Joe started looking all around out of the windows, kind of astonished, got out, then in, then out, and finally in the truck. All I could see was that Joe was talking to himself with a lot of words, really fast, as he left.

When Joe returned to the shop hours later, he used his stink–finger gloves and was seen getting some solvent to clean the outside of them (the dumbass thought the smell was on the gloves, not in them). He then went to the sink, washed his hands, and smelled his left hand over and over again and finally threw out his gloves and got another pair from the case. I already pretreated the top two pairs of gloves with Liquid ASS and put the gloves back in the case. Joe was pissed and kept looking around for the perpetrator, but no one else knows our little secret. Tomorrow Joe will use his new gloves for the first time and our customers will pick up this scent from Joe's coat (Liquid ASS is on his elbows — the back side, where he can't look). Oh, hallelujah!!

The second person's name is Dan. We call him Willhoney (a brown–noser who rats out anyone he can find). Willhoney started complaining today about some kind of stinky mold in his tanker truck cab. I looked and couldn't see any (somehow Willhoney's cabin air filter got saturated with your fine product Liquid Ass — what else?). When Willhoney got into his truck initially, the heat was on and he sorta' turned whitish, blew his nose and did the ol' heave ho. All he could say was, "What is this shit?" when he dragged three of us over to smell it. The other two guys looked at each other and the eyes rolled . They are sure that Willhoney has a "problem". Had I planned ahead (I really didn't expect the heave. Holy crap, Liquid ASS is as good as it gets), I would have done up the bathroom for him. When Willhoney left to pick up a load, the windows were down and the heat was off. This is almost as good as pissing on his seat. All I could say was, "Smells like you have a bit of shi'ite on, Dan."

— Cleatus J. Wallbight

19November2007 Christmas gag gift: ". . . the reactions from the rest of the family were priceless."

I purchased 5 bottles of Liquid ASS about a year ago and my family and I enjoyed a marvelous gag on Christmas eve. I filled a small perfume bottle with an atomizer top with Liquid ASS. Attaching a label with the words "EAU de TOILET" completed the prop. When my daughter opened her stocking gift and sprayed your product on my wife's wrist, the reactions from the rest of the family were priceless.

— Roy D.

11November2007 Hotel Elevator Prank: "THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE S*!T!"

So recently I went on a trip to Destin, Florida, I brought with me 5 bottles of Liquid ASS. My first night in the hotel I ASS'd the elevators — all 4. So I sat back and watched my prank go to work and boy did it work. I sat on my balcony on the second floor and watched people come out of the hotel looking like they not only smelled the crap, but ate it. I laughed my ass off for almost 4 hours that night.

So the next day I woke up in a very good mood seeing how I was out of town and all and thought hey, why not go on a nice morning stroll on the beach following the ASSing of the elevators of course . . . lol . . . So I ASS'd the elevators at 10 A.M. My girlfriend showed up to meet me in Destin at 3 that evening. When she got there she made reference to how beautiful the hotel was. Then we went inside. She quickly covered her face and said "THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE S*!T!" I could hardly contain myself and broke down and told her that it was the great Liquid ASS she was smelling as I stood there all proud of myself.

So later that night we were coming back from dinner. As we entered the hotel an old couple was walking next to us. So I asked them if they had smelled the foul odor coming from the hotel lobby. The old man replied "YES, it was so bad the hotel had to get us a new room down the hall because the smell was traveling into our room which was a couple of feet from the elevator." My girlfriend can't hardly believe that I am talking to these people about a smell I proudly created. She lost it in the elevator and began to laugh her ass off. As the old couple is looking at her like she's crazy, I tell them that she has laughing fits like this all the time since she's just a happy go lucky girl. The old couple finally exit the elevator and then I could finally laugh my ass off with my girl as she hits and slaps me telling me to keep my assings to myself and not to involve her in my pranks because she can't contain herself.

The next day, I assed HOOTERS, WALL–MART (diaper dept.), a poor unsuspecting BURGER KING drive–thru guy who just made me a coke, and some other poor guy's cool looking car. He won't be leaving his windows cracked any more . . . We sat back and watched that guy almost puke his car smelled so bad . . . lol . . .

Anyway, thats my story and I hope all can enjoy using Liquid ASS.

Strongly Recommended by me,

— JOE MAC'S FANTASTIC VACATION

10November2007 Office Bathroom Prank: "#&$%! There is something wrong with that bathroom, . . . "

Well after several days of planning, I decided to nuke the office bathroom with Liquid ASS. I had to plan it carefully so no one thought it was me stinking up the joint. Finally, I got my chance. I went into the bathroom and sprayed about a two second burst right behind the toilet and ran out and closed the door. I stood back and listened and watched. The first guy goes in. He is in there for about two minutes, comes out, storms to his office and returns with an air freshener and sprays it for about ten seconds. I am on the phone with my wife trying not to bust out laughing. The next lady goes and comes out and states, "#&$%! There is something wrong with that bathroom, and I think we need to call maintenance. %@#!" I am again trying not to laugh.

I stayed several more hours after most people went home. The stench was still there five hours later, just not as bad. I look forward to many more assings!

Thanks a lot, Assmen, on an incredible product!

— Cokebear in Texas

16October2007 School and Work Prank: "It was the funniest thing I had ever seen in my life."

I just bought a pack of your Liquid ASS and let me say — HOLY CRAP it is the nastiest smell I have ever smelt.

I took it to school and during lunch I had a bottle and so did my friend and we each sprayed each side of the lunchroom as we walked out. Within 5 minutes the whole lunchroom cleared out and as they were clearing out the lunch room we sprayed it into the hallway that everybody had to walk through to get back to class. It was so nasty one person even threw up. It was the funniest thing I had ever seen in my life.

Then later that day, everybody was talking about how supposedly the sewer was backed up and how they hoped that they would close school. The janitors and deans went crazy looking for the source of the smell and they couldn't find it.

Then that night, I took it to my work and right before we closed I started spraying it. The manager made us take out the trash and I just kept spraying more and more. Then I sprayed the manager's door knob and as they were looking for what the smell was, she went up stairs to call the big manager and complain. I heard her say that she didn't know what the smell was but she knew she touched it because her hand smelled like shit. They where so worried about the smell they were talking about not opening the store the next day.

These where some of the funniest times of my life and your Liquid ASS is the best stuff that I have ever bought and I will keep buying it from you as long as you guys are selling it!

— Jake

08October2007 Office Phone Prank: " . . . Liquid ASS is amazing."

First off just want to say Liquid ASS is amazing. We have used it extensively in elevators, offices, bathrooms, and at other opportune moments. The finest prank so far has been the phone. Placing a small amound of Liquid ASS directly on the mouth piece lasts for days and is not detectable until it is right next to your face. Placing a call to the person who you have hit with the Liquid ASS is an amazing prank. I am not sure if this is unique to the cicso voip phones or not, but the smell persists more than any other surface area we have tried. My coworkers got me on my voip phone and it was definitely a home run. My being the prankster, I have transferred my receiver to another phone and took the "clean" one for myself. Not only did the fresh recipient have an amazing ASS experience with talking on the phone, so did I. The smell somehow transferred from the base phone to the new receiver. We have tried many different chemical brews to remove the smell and it just persists. Currently, a solid 24 hours later, my mounth piece smells like pine, assorted chemicals and a hint of ASS. It truly is amazing. The plastic must be porous enough to harbor the foul liquid for extended periods of time. We made an office ruling that the phone will not be touched except for those we truly dislike. Be warned small amounts on the mouth piece will last for a LONG time. The person I transferred receivers with had a conference call later in the day and he had to endure the smell for over an hour. It was hilarious.

— Steve

25September2007 Office Pranks: "Liquid ASS is truly one of the greatest inventions."

Liquid ASS is truly one of the greatest inventions. To date we have made one secretary in the office throw up and another be chastised for her poor hygiene, not to mention the countless hours that were spent looking for the shit that someone tracked into the office.

If there was a Noble Prize for tasteless, juvenile humor, you guys would win the prize.

— Bill Muldoon from Boston

28Aug2007 A Woman Scorned — " . . . the revenge I extracted today on my ex was so outrageously . . . "

First, I have to say that I absolutely know that the revenge I extracted today on my ex was so outrageously childish that I'm utterly ashamed of myself. I'm completely disgusted by the new low I'm apparently capable of reaching. Still, I have to admit, that although I didn't enjoy being cheated on and totally financially screwed over by the assh*** husband of 11 years, I absolutely enjoyed the childish, immature, and completely anonymous revenge I extracted by ASSing that man today with Liquid ASS. I expected it to smell bad . . . but *this* bad? I can't thank you enough!!! You've let out my evil inner child — the one I repressed during my actual childhood! And thanks for the insanely fast shipping — it takes my ex more time to actually take a dump than it took to get this package.

Thankfully, he couldn't prove anything. Yeah, he suspected me . . . but without evidence and considering that I was only in his apartment for about 3 seconds to drop off keys, it seemed pretty unlikely to him that I really could have done it. Thanks!

I hope to find a way to squirt this stuff on him just before our divorce court hearing so he'd stink out his attorney . . . but I doubt I'd be able to pull that off. Really, I think I'm too chicken to try it. Hmm . . . I wonder if I can hire the homeless guy on the courthouse steps to squirt him as he walks in. Nah, he'd probably rat me out if the ex offered him more money to tell him who put him up to it. But I digress . . .

Later, my plan is to arm my friends with bottles and have them go into his business at random during the day and squirt away.

I'm sure you've heard that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? That fury has found an outlet. You rock! My old college chem prof would be dismayed that I paid for instead of made this, but it's definitely worth every dime of the price in this case.

— Helen in Illinois

24Aug2007 College Classroom Prank — "There's that awful smell again!"

On Fridays, I actually have more than a 10 minute gap in between classes because I have a Political Science lab an hour earlier than the class that takes place on Monday and Wednesday. Anyway, I decided to ASS the area where I have my Italian 102 class. I got there earlier and took the elevator to the 3rd floor (where my Italian class is). I whipped out the Liquid ASS and sprayed down the elevator. I got up there and unfortunately, there's a class before my Italian class. Oh well, I didn't let that prevent me from doing my thing. I whipped out the bottle, sprayed the doors of the room, and the walls leading all the way down the stairs to the 2nd floor! After that, the bottle was empty. I pitched the bottle and ducked outside (even though it was as hot as hell outside).

When it was time to go to class, I was going to check the elevator, and as soon as it opened — holy shit! It smelled! Of course, some guy in a motorized scooter had to take the elevator . . . I kinda felt bad for him because he HAD to take the elevator . . . but, that's neither here nor there. So, I took the stairs . . . and I had to cover my nose with my shirt. I sat down in class, and when people walked into the classroom, I heard some of the funniest stuff:

     "It smells like shit out there!"

     "Smells like dead ass out there in the stairwell!"

     "Something died!"

My Italian professor came in (a grad student teaching a lower–level class) and said (in an Italian accent), "It smells of human excrement outside in the hallway and stairs!" Needless to say, I nearly lost it when he said that. While my goal of getting Italian class canceled didn't come to fruition, I still achieved a result of an awful smell penetrating the air (and several floors, might I add) and hilarity. After class, I walked down the stairs, and it still smelled like ASS. I asked my friend outside, "Did you smell the stairs?" She said, "Yeah, it smelled like somebody shit on the stairs!" This is only the beginning . . .

[A week later]

Oh boy . . . what a day in Italian 102. I got there one hour prior to class starting and the room is EMPTY. Beforehand, I got to the elevator (again) and it smelled even worse this week than it did last week after I sprayed it! I turned off the AC first thing and started spraying the area where two over–the–top obnoxious sorority girls sit. (In reality, I have no problem with sororities and sorority girls, since I am in a fraternity and we're all greeks, but those two, like I mentioned earlier, are over–the–top obnoxious.) Then, I walked across the room, spraying along the edges (since it was a tile floor) and along the doors. After that, I hi–tailed it the hell outta' there. I sat outside (it was actually nice out today) and studied some. I looked at my clock and there was 10 minutes until class started. I really didn't want to go to class . . . I walked into the room and there were 4 people in there . . . as soon as I got in, one of my classmates asked me, "Can you smell that?" I said, "UGH! What is that smell?" (knowing full well what it was). It was never so hard to act like I didn't know what the hell was going on in my life until today! More people walked in, and I wish I had a video camera or something with me to record everybody's demeanor upon entering the room. The reactions were priceless:

     "There's that awful smell again!"

     "Man, what died?"

     "It smelled like that in the elevator!"

When my instructor walked in, all the complaining started. He said (in his Italian accent), "Smells like a dead body and excrement, no?" He then turned the AC units on and opened the windows, saying "This is an old–fashioned remedy." People were still complaining about the smell, so I said as loud as I could, "Somebody call the damn HazMat team!" He said, "Yeah . . ." But he did NOT cancel class . . . so for 50 minutes, we all had to endure that shit. I had to cover my nose with my t–shirt to protect myself from the smell and to hide my smile. My friend in that class, who was sitting beside me, said, "I swear I'm going to die. This is awful." Several people were coughing and gagging. The instructor said, "I guess I'm going to have to get a classroom change. I am going to report this smell to the people downstairs soon." By the time class was over, the whole building smelled like shit . . . all 4 floors, including the elevator.

Another friend of mine who has a Spanish class at the same time I do on a different floor told me that, "White Hall smelled like shit AGAIN today — probably a sewage backup. I took the elevator and nearly puked everywhere."

The stench was over–bearing . . . maybe I'll stop ASSing Italian class for a while and look elsewhere for my hilarity. Until next time . . .

— WVAssManJim

06August2007 Last Day at Work Prank — "One of the managers said it was the worst, putrid smell she had ever smelled."

For the summer while I am back home, awaiting to go back to school across the state, I had to take a telemarketing job at a call center I worked at last summer. Needless to say, I hope I already have your sympathies. Anyway, the past two days have been horrific . . . the head manager on the day shift (when I work) has been a complete and total ass**** to me. So, I told two of my buddies that I'm about to ASS the call center. In less than 20 days, I quit that job to go back to school. I told them on the last day I was going to "ASS" the place. They didn't believe me. So, I brought in a bottle of Liquid ASS today and showed them. Later, on a break, me, my friend and his sister were the only three in the breakroom. I squirted the stuff in between two vending machines . . . only a few squirts did the trick. I told them, "You two may want to leave ASAP." When I went back into the break room, it was crowded at the doorway and my friend, his sister, and my other friend came out. One told me, "You can't even go in there! It seriously stinks!" He pulled me aside and said, "Dude, that was some of the worst–smelling stuff I've ever breathed in my life. I can't wait until your last day." There were even several complaints to the head manager. Thank goodness for Liquid ASS! That "ASSing preview" I gave to my friends today really made our day. I can't wait until my last day.

[A few weeks later]

Today was my last day at that call center. PRAISE THE LORD!! Anyway, on with the fun . . .

I was called into my manager's office during lunch (yeah, during lunch, go figure . . .) So I walked into his office and he told me that since it was my last day, he came to the conclusion that I was wasting time. He said I wasn't "putting up the numbers" (translate: Making the ass****s at corporate more money.) They fired several people on their "last day" a day or so ago . . . so I knew it would be a matter of time. He then handed me a paper to sign. I looked over it and the word "Termination" was circled and below it was written out that I was being terminated for low production. I took that piece of paper, wadded it up, threw it down and said, "You know what!? You all can pound sand . . . I QUIT!" The manager then told me, "Good. Get out of here. We don't want you in here." I then walked out of his office, whipped out my ASS and sprayed that shit everywhere — on the cloth that covers the cubicles, on the floor, just anywhere I could on my way out. I'm not sure how much of the bottle I used. I just opened it up, pressed my index finger and thumb on the bottle and started squeezing as I walked back to my station to get my stuff, and on the way out until I got to the sidewalk outside. Now, as we speak, some of those poor saps that love working there are wallowing in ASS! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Long live Liquid ASS!!!

[A few hours later]

One person called me up on the afternoon break and said that it was chaos in the call center. He said the managers were having the hardest time figuring out where the smell was coming from . . . and forced the callers to stay on the phones . . . they had to endure it! Our resident Briton said it smelled like "rotting feta cheese." One of the managers said it was the worst, putrid smell she had ever smelled. They thought it was initially the bathrooms, but had no success eliminating it. He told me that several people got up and left, and others got sick and ran to the bathrooms. HAHAHA!!! He told me after the shift was over that the smell was still "detectable", like leftover Liquid ASS. As far as the big boss himself, well, my friend told me that his face was redder than ever (his face is as red as Dale Jr's #8 car because he is very overweight and always has high blood pressure) and he was just fuming for the rest of the shift. My only regret is that I did not ASS the manager on his shirt or pants. Boy oh boy, that would have been worth it . . . have him walking around smelling like a 5XL turd. Oh well.

Thank you all for a wonderful product that is American made, stealthy, safe, and STINKY!

— WVAssManJim

10July2007 Hotel Prank and Car Prank — "He said it was the worst experience ever . . ."

Hi Assman. We struck again, this time at a posh hotel. My mate got married and we were all invited to the evening do at this expensive gaff. During the evening the toilets got assed. One of the lads said it was really high but not overpowering as he expected. So a second spray was let loose, this time with ferocious results. The same guest went to the lav and was gone ages. When he returned we questioned why he took so long. His reply was he went to the toilet at the other end of the hotel as the assed one was unbearable and he couldn't go in. As we left at the end of the evening, we all went out the front entrance and all fell about laughing outside because what we saw as we left was a barricade of chairs blocking the assed toilet. A cone was on the chairs and a note was attached which read, "TOILETS OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE ONES DOWNSTAIRS." Id like to be a fly on the wall when they search for the cause. Liquid ASS never fails. The posher the place the more hilarious it becomes.

Also, I must let you know that the other Friday we had a night out and my mate dropped us off home. I was first to be dropped so I assed the back of his car when I got out. The report the next day was that my mate had to stop the car while one of the lads threw up — it was that bad. He said it was the worst experience ever in a confined place with no way out. They said it was like a silage heap in the back of his car. I think I'll be walking from now on.

— Mighty Ronkman

14June2007 Return Customer — ". . . it is a blast to watch people's expressions . . ."

I am 49 years old and have worked at such jobs as a coroner's office, recycling plant, and water treatment. At none of those jobs I worked at did I ever smell something as rude as Liquid Ass. Even when the septic tank backed up here at home, it was no match for Liquid Ass.

I can't thank you enough for all the fun I am about to have. I first bought a 4–pack and now I am getting a 6–pack. For me it is a blast to watch people's expressions when they first get a whiff. Then they figure out that rude smell is not going away. I have started taking good quality video and still shots of people and their reactions. Fun, Fun, Fun.

Thanks again.

— TJ

30May2007 Coworker Revenge Pranks — ". . . he wanted to know who shit in his truck . . ."

Last week, I sprayed Liquid ASS at work on a guy no one likes. He said, "Oops, my underarm deordorant stopped working." Later, I saw him at Wal-Mart and it was like the parting of the Red Sea at check out. He was a guy like no one you know . . . a know–it–all. It was payday and at the end of the shift I walked behind him and in plain view to everyone, I sprayed 1/2 a bottle on the back of his shirt. I got looks from coworkers like "Stop. That's enough." But not to me. The next day, he wanted to know who shit in his truck and on him. I told him I did it. He has moved to another shift.

Today, a bitch got what she needed. She hates you, me, and everyone. You know the air vent on cars in front of the windshield? Well, she won't be turning on her heater or A/C for a long time. Right after I sprayed some Liquid ASS into the vent, she came out and yelled to get away from her car. She started the car and within a minute, she was turning green. I think she turned on the A/C (or should I say the shit/C?)

Thank you again.

— Keith W. Bessler

19May2007 Black Sabbath Concert Prank — "We never had so much fun in our lives."

I have the greatest story for you. I went to a Black Sabbath concert the other night. I had general admission tickets on the floor . . . with a 1000 people in front of me. There was only one way to get to the front — LIQUID ASS. Needless to say, the 15 people I was with got to the front row. (They are going to get Liquid ASS, too.) We never had so much fun in our lives.

Thank you a 100 times over.

— J.B.

10May2007 High School Classroom Prank — " . . . that's way worse than any fart."

Hello again, Assmen! You've heard my prank about emptying a whole bottle of Liquid ASS in the bathroom. I thought I'd tell you about my most recent prank.

I go to a private Christian school, so we have a "religion" class. Well, I have a crappy teacher (no pun intended . . . yet), so we thought we'd make his class a little more interesting. At first, I wanted to use a bottle in the classroom, but recently someone set off a sulfur capsule in a classroom (amateurs) and the deans freaked out and practically strip–searched the entire class, threatening to make them stay after school until someone 'fessed up. So, we decided to be a little more discreet. I planned to use a little bit in the doorway of the classroom so I could watch people's reactions as they went in. I showed up to the classroom several minutes early to discover that the teacher hadn't unlocked the door yet . . . so I used Plan B — I coated the doorknob with Liquid ASS. After safely stowing the bottle back in my car and washing my hands in case the deans searched our class for the culprit, I went back to the class and acted like nothing had happened. To my delight, the smell had miraculously permeated into the classroom, aided by a light wind. Everyone was saying things like:

     "It smells like ASS in here!"

     "Dude, did someone fart? No way, that's way worse than any fart."

     "Does someone have a dead cat in their backpack?"

     "Ok, 'fess up — who shit their pants?"

As if it was an act of fate, we had a teacher evaluator come in that day to watch this guy teach us. He ignored the comments about the smell, but there's no way he didn't notice it. I looked over at the teacher and saw him trying to discreetly sniff his hand. It took everything I had to keep from laughing. The teacher left the classroom quickly while we filled out evaluation forms. He didn't come back for about 5 minutes. During this time the teacher evaluator had left the room in a hurry, and the students were opening the windows to try and air the smell out. The teacher returned, and tried to resume class, but everyone was raising their hand and asking:

Student: "Why does it smell in here?"

Teacher: "What does it smell like?"

Students: "Like ASS"

Teacher: "Yeah! I got it all over my hand!"

(the room went silent and suddenly everyone started cracking up)

Teacher: "Everyone get up and search for the source of the smell!"

Eventually they narrowed it down to the doorknob after moving the trash can outside and searching through shelves for a dead animal. He called maintenance who once again tried in vain to get rid of the smell, and resorted to bleaching the doorknob. Everyone is now convinced that he wiped his ass with his hand before coming to class. I swear this stuff is worth every penny.

— D.F.

06May2007 Neighbor Prank — "Awakened by the detestable, menacing odor . . ."

As you're probably aware, the first three weeks of April, especially in Pittsburgh, were very cold. Unfortunately, I couldn't use my Liquid ASS until last week when we finally got the first glimpse of spring. Those three weeks were horrible, not only because I was anxious to use the product, but also because my downstairs neighbor, the Groundhog, was in her basement apartment puffing away on cigarette butts and lint with her windows closed and her smoke bellowing up through my floor. Suddenly, on a seasonally warm afternoon, I noticed her window open a crack. It was then that I devised a plan for later that evening. With my face painted with charcoal and dressed in all black, I was going to spray through her window from outside. However, my kitchen window is approximately 2.5 – 3 feet from her bedroom window which was open a crack. In short, instead of going outside, I just leaned out my window and sprayed into hers. I know she had to smell it. The following night, her window was open about 6 inches and I unloaded through her window in rapid succession 2 1/2, almost three bottles of the foul concoction while she was sleeping. The sound I heard coming from her apartment was gruesome. It sounded much, much worse than a dying animal — kind of like an exorcism was going on down there. All of the mucous suppressed by decades of smoking sounded as if it was coming out of my neighbor's bronchial tubes and throat in long bouts of hacking. Then I heard grumbling, splashing, and moaning, the tell–tale signs that my neighbor was losing her breakfast, lunch, dinner, and midnight snack. But the worst was all the cussing and moaning. Barely able to contain dinner myself due to the foul smell coming from her apartment, I took comfort in the fact that my neighbor probably wouldn't be smoking again that night.

You wouldn't believe how I got her yesterday morning. I gave her the so–called "double team" in that I sprayed through the crack under her apartment door right before I let loose two bottles through her bedroom window. Awakened by the detestable, menacing odor, her reaction was like she got splashed by some holy water gone bad. I'd hate to be her mirror if her facial contortions were as twisted and vulgar as the foul language she was screaming — especially when she went for some fresh air by her door only to be met by even more diabolical stench. She was scrubbing her apartment all last night, which is the first time she's cleaned since she moved in over a year ago.

I ordered a nine pack on Tuesday and it is already here on Thursday. Your shipping is awesome. Thanks Liquid ASS!

P.S. Perhaps you could package this stuff by the gallon?

— The Exorcist

01May2007 Customer Impressed by the Smell — ". . . it is the most foul–smelling shit . . ."

I received my Liquid ASS in the mail today. I must say that it is the most foul–smelling shit I have ever come across. My brother almost threw up from the smell of the envelope. It's great. It pretty much smells ten times worse than dog shit. I can't wait to pull pranks with this stuff.

Thank you!!!

— James from AZ

30April2007 High School Lunch Room Prank — "I got the best laugh in my entire laugh."

Today I got the best laugh in my entire laugh. I got my Liquid ASS on Saturday and tested it around the house. I put some into a trash can and my parents thought one of the dogs threw up. I then put some behind my sister's toilet.

When Monday came, I was ready to have some real fun. The first prank I did was spraying some Liquid ASS into my friends locker, making it smell like shit. It's going to take forever for that to go away.

Then (now the real fun begins) I went to the lunch room early, and sprayed some Liquid ASS behind one of the vending machines (which are in a separate room which is attached to the main eating room). I put about two squeezes behind the machine, bought my Dr. Pepper and got the hell out of there. About 5 minutes later, when people were coming into the lunch room, I saw them holding their nose and shit. This was seriously the funniest thing ever. People were seriously like gagging and shit. I laughed for the entire lunch period. When I saw my history teacher (who I don't care for very much) walk in the and start to gag, I laughed so hard I seriously could not hear out of my right ear.

Thank you so much. This is the best product I have ever bought.

— AC in LA

28April2007 Chat–aholics Prank — "Liquid ASS is the answer."

I am very grateful to you for this wonderful product. I desperately needed a defense again the unrelenting chat–aholics and blabber mouths that ride on the commuter trains. They yap on their cell phones or engage anyone who will listen in non–stop bull shit. Well, Liquid ASS is the answer. One 3–second spray and they get up and move. I found that I can drop it inside a small jam jar and cover it to keep the smell down. That way I can store it in my briefcase until I need it. Also, another method of deployment is to spray it on a napkin (liberally) and then kick the crumpled up napkin under the seat of the victim. They will be looking all around trying to figure out where the smell is coming from. If they do find the napkin they will be afraid to pick it up, since they figure someone must have wiped their ass with it. Again they will prefer to get up and move. If they don't then I move and get one last long spray on them as pay back. What a relief now that I have a weapon to fight back with.

— Angry Commuter

11April2007 Restaurant Prank: "It was like human crap, cow crap, dead animals, dead fish, and vomit all put together."

I just received my bottle of Liquid ASS. I ordered it and it was in the mail very fast. I took one sniff on my way to lunch, and I almost couldn't eat. It was like human crap, cow crap, dead animals, dead fish, and vomit all put together. My friends at lunch could not believe just how bad something could smell. My dad is 87 years old and needs to have his diaper changed twice a day, and let me tell you, this stuff blows his ass away.

Anyway, after lunch, I snuck the bottle out of my pocket and put about 4 or 5 drops under our table. We could smell it about 5 seconds later. We left and peeked into the restaurant window, and so help me, I saw everyone in the near vicinity cover their nose and get up to walk out. We were already laughing our asses off. Then after a few more minutes we saw the manager come out to check on the stench, and he started spraying the area with something or another.

That's the first time I ever used this product . . . Thank you Liquid Ass!!! I will be taking it out this weekend when I go out to the bars — he he he — Next time I will order a whole shit load of bottles, so I can stink up a whole mall.

Once again, Kudos to you . . . LIQUID ASS!!!

— Scott from the Rock Band Whistle Gear

11April2007 Road Rage Diverted: ". . . they jumped out of the car pulling their shirts over their noses."

I was driving in my suv when I mistakenly cut off another car. When we got to the first light, this car of high school kids I cut off pulled up next to me and were trying to get me to get out of my car and fight them. I was scared and didn't wanna take on four of them so I locked my doors and went to the next light. In route, I was wondering what am I gonna do — Oh now is the time to use my Liquid Ass I thought. At the next light the kids stayed in the car and were giving me the finger so I rolled my passenger window down and sprayed Liquid ASS all over them!!! Also I got it in the vents under the wipers for the heater so I'm sure it must stink when they turn on the heater!! HA HA Basically, they pulled over and they jumped out of the car pulling their shirts over their noses. By the time they got in the car I was long gone laughing all the way home. Well I guess I got the last laugh on that whole ordeal.

This STUFF is AWESOME for pranks and a less–than–lethal weapon!! THANK YOU!!

— Ryan O in CT

10April2007 English Pub Bathroom Prank: ". . . I only went in for a pee and nearly threw up."

Hi Assmen. Once again ASS hit the big time. We visited one of our local pubs and ASS'd one of the cubicals in the toilet. None of us re–entered after that but watched as lads came out with contorted faces. Shortly one of the staff entered with a mop and bucket and franticly cleaned the floor. (The ASS was actually on the wall so he was wasting his time.) Within the minute, he legged it outside and was heaving with the rotten diahrrea smell. By this time, all the going in and out of the toilet had caused the smell to start seeping into the pub. One group of lads were blaming each other for shitting themselves. I had to go outside to laugh so as not to be obvious. With that, two lads left the pub and as they walked passed me one said to the other, "I don't know what's going on in that bog, but I only went in for a pee and nearly threw up." I was wasted laughing. We are now hatching our next plot.

— Mighty Ronkman

09April2007 Car Prank: "Hell yes, I'm washing this rotted son–of–a–bitch!"

Hello fellow pranksters. This is the best shit ever! A friend told me about Liquid ASS and I had some doubts so he gave me a bottle from his stash to "test" out.

I've always looked for the nastiest stink bombs I could find, only to get disappointed whenever the shit smell didn't last. I immediately targeted a certain family member that I despise and cannot stand to be around. This family member happens to live next door to me so we share the same driveway. She first asked for "it" about 6 years ago when she ratted a friend and I out to our parents about a certain plan of ours (which didn't take place thanks to our being discovered). Anyways, I've been plotting ever since. Well, she leaves for work at 6:00 a.m. every morning and I had her "medicine" waiting. Little did I know that my uncle (whom she is married to) was planning on carpooling with her to work that day to try and save some money on gas (you know since, it's so cheap and all). I waited up all night, just so I could be sure to give them their first "assing" before they went to work. I snuck out of my house and went over to the air intake (below the windshield) of her car about 5 a.m. and sprayed what was left in the bottle from my friend's arsenal. I knew they would be turning on the heater on the way and I wanted as much of the "shit" as possible to be sucked into the car. It's very cold here now so I knew riding to work would be very uncomfortable.

They finally came out to leave about 6:15 a.m. I was watching out my bedroom window when the first attempt to leave was made. "WHAT IN THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE?" they accused each other climbing out of the car. It sparked an argument between them. "YOU HAVE F***ING DIED WOMAN!" says my uncle stepping away from the car. She disappeared inside to retrieve some aerosol air freshener. I watched laughing hysterically until my stomach ached and tears streamed down my face. She starts spraying inside the car and I heard him tell her, "Don't turn the f***in' fan on! That's making it worse!" They stood helplessly outside in the cold trying to figure out what had "died and rotted inside the car."

On attempt number two, they thought it was clear and tried to get in the vehicle again (Liquid ASS must get worse as time passes!) Quickly the driver's window came down soon to be followed by the sound of gagging and puking. So the doors re–open and they bail out again. I had to walk away from the window because by this time, I couldn't even breathe, I was laughing so hard. "I don't know what in the hell it is!" I heard them yelling to each other amongst other things. "It smells like somebody took a diarrhea shit in the car and then set it on fire!" they discussed. By this time, it was rounding 7 a.m., which also meant they were both late for work that day. They again made yet another attempt to leave. This time I watched as they put all 4 windows down (with a frost on outside, brrrrrr!) and back out of the driveway with their coats pulled in front of their noses to try to block out the smell.

That evening, when they returned home from work, I talked to my uncle while he was washing the car in the driveway. I was like, "What in the hell are you doing? It's 40 degrees out here and you're washing your car." He said, "Hell yes, I'm washing this rotted son–of–a–bitch!" Right away my stomach began to quiver trying to hold back the laughter. "What happened?" I asked. "We went to leave for work this morning and when we turned on the heater, it smelled just like the car had been an open all night port–a–potty for seniors who only had the diarrhea shits, with rotted ass–crack, put it in a kettle & heated up to a boiling state, then poured it in the damn radiator!" I had already busted out of my state of quietness. He just thought I was laughing at the description. He went on, "We froze our f***ing asses off this morning. I told her not dare touch the damn window button. We'd just have to suffer!"

After this experience and reading all the great feedback on this site, I will probably be your best customer. Thanks so much for such a wonderful product. I plan to order more Liquid ASS as soon as I'm done here and get more "assings" started. I LOVE IT! I'll keep new "shit" posted as it occurs.

— Original Pranksta

31March2007 Great Britain Pizza Shop Prank: "The smell was unbearable . . ."

Hi Assman. Just received my batch of Liquid Ass. Went out on the town and planned a trial. Our lads' night went ok, but couldn't find the moment to unleash the Ass. At the end of the night, we went to our local pizza shop for food. The time was right and the Ass was set. I've never seen so much activity in there before. The shop emptied in minutes. All customers were on the car park and out came the air freshener. No use — the Ass over–powered it totally. The staff couldn't figure out what the smell was or where it came from. They drew a conclusion someone had trampled in dog shit and proceeded to pull out all the seats and tables and clean like they have never cleaned before. The smell was unbearable and people were questioning the food. The look on the staff faces was unreal. This stuff is fab and I now have aching sides from laughing. We left and the smell was still putrid after 15 mins.

Thanks for the fun. My mates now want it to.

— Mighty Ronkman

26March2007 High School Senior Prank: "Damn was it rank!!"

So here's my story . . . I am a senior in high school this year and one night at a buddy's house we were listening to Bubba the Love Sponge. As usual he was doing a Liquid Ass prank . . . when the light bulb went on in my head and the only thing that was on my mind was Liquid Ass — in high school!!!

Our high school is in a small town and the principle and administration think they are a bunch of bad asses who always like to cause a stink about something. Well, I gave them one hell of a stink — so for my senior prank this year I ordered 4 bottles of some Liquid Ass and soaked the halls. Damn was it rank!! It smelt seriously like someone brought dog shit in and soaked the walls. The funniest part about it is that they opened up every locker throughout the school and went though everyone's stuff to see if there were stink bombs in the locker. The teachers and the administration didn't even realize it was a clear liquid on the floor!! Hahaha When they finally did realize it, the janitor had to mop it up which made it smell even worse

So thanks Liquid Ass for making my school laugh their asses' off for a day. I never got caught either!!! haha

— C.W.

25March2007 Work Prank: ". . . sent my partner dry heaving!"

You guys should get a nobel prize for this! I used it for the first time in a co–workers office in our construction trailer. It was able to cut through the stench of mold and sweaty iron workers and sent my partner dry heaving! The only down side is that in my zealous attack I over–dosed. A little does go a long way. Well done!

— A. Gray, Los Gatos, CA

24March2007 Impressed by the Smell: ". . . the hair on the back of my neck stood up."

WOW . . . just WOW!!! I don't know how the hell you guys did it! But you've replicated the smell of human excrement perfectly. I received my order today. I took one whiff and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I think I'd rather smell a rotting corpse! You have one hell of a product here! I haven't used it on anyone yet. But I can't wait :) I'll let you know how it goes.

— Rich

24March2007 Work Prank: "I haven't had this much fun since my late teens!"

I ASS'd the bathroom and locker room at work with about 1 bottle per day. One guy actually threw up and everyone is bitching for the company to "fix the f***ing toilets."

Actual quotes about the smell of Liquid Ass deployment that I have heard so far —

     "The odor is so bad it would knock a buzzard off a shit house!"

     "Man, nobody's ass smells that bad."

     "I had to light up a cigarette while taking a shit because that smell in there had me gagging."

     "I see that shit smell is back again."

     "I went to the other side and then the smell started coming right through the doors."

     "Damn, I got to come out here just to get a breath of fresh air."

     "It smells like ass in here." (This guy was dead right, it did smell like ass — Liquid Ass!)

They have maintenance in there dumping all kinds of shit down the floor drains from Simple Green to Bleach. The only problem I have now is when they dump bleach in there it kills the smell. This is the best stink product I have tried. Nobody even suspects it is a prank, they all think it is a legitimate problem with the plumbing or that something died in the air vent.

I love your product. I am now in the pre–operational phase for Liquid Ass deployments outside my work. Some probable targets include a ritzy local shopping mall, Neiman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue and some nice restaurants. Could you imagine eating out at a fancy restaurant and have your expensive meal ruined by some foul ass stench carefully flowing in the light breeze over your table? I haven't had this much fun since my late teens!

Will you ever consider selling larger bottles of Liquid Ass? Also, an "industrial strength" Liquid Ass would be cool (one that lasts longer). Thanks!

— RG

23March2007 Bar Prank: "It is concentrated barn yard freshness in a bottle."

Holy shit. I never thought Liquid ASS would smell this bad. It is concentrated barn yard freshness in a bottle. I sprayed a bar where the bartender is too zealous about cutting people off and it got evacuated for the night.

— Steve

05March2007 High School Bathroom Prank: ". . . people actually thought that someone had taken a crap on the floor."

I purchased some Liquid ASS a few months back and had a blast from a few minor pranks here and there, but nothing compared to my most recent prank at my high school.

At the school I attend, seniors are allowed to go off–campus during lunch one day of the week. Sometimes, to punish the seniors for random things, the deans will take away our off–campus privileges. A few weeks back, they announced that because the freshman hadn't picked up their trash in the cafeteria, seniors wouldn't have off–campus privileges for that week. We decided to exact our revenge. If they weren't going to let us go off campus, we were going to have fun on campus.

I brought a full bottle of Liquid ASS and hid it in my car's trunk. This stuff is so potent that I didn't dare try and hide the bottle in my locker or my backpack, because it would stink up my books for the day. So during lunch, I ran to my car, grabbed the bottle, stuffed it into my pocket and headed to the bathroom. During lunch, there is typically a big rush to the bathroom at the ten–minute bell, so a few minutes before the bell rang, I waited outside the bathroom until it was empty, and went to town. I sprayed the entire perimeter of the room, one of the toilet bowls, the sinks, and the wall above the urinals so that people would have to smell it while trying to use them. The ten–minute bell rang, and the bathroom quickly filled up.

Normally, the bathroom is quiet because people just want to do their thing and leave, but today it was a scene of absolute chaos. People would walk in and either immediately run out coughing or start yelling about how bad it smelled. One guy walks in, and screams, "DUDE! WHAT THE F*** is that SMELL?! Whoever laid that one, you need to get yourself checked!" Liquid ASS so accurately replicates a swamp ass smell, that people actually thought that someone had taken a crap on the floor. Reactions ranged from

   "F&$%!!! Did someone DIE in here?"

   "Someone call a damn HAZMAT team!!!"

   "WHOA! I think someone shit in the trash can!"

   "Did somebody's @$$hole explode in here?"

This continued and eventually a crowd formed outside the bathroom. Everyone was screaming about how it was the most inhuman smell. Everyone was talking about it during class, and eventually the teacher asked about it. Everyone told the teacher that someone "laid the fattest, nastiest shit they had ever smelled." The teacher proceeded to call maintenance, telling them to check and see if crap was smeared on the walls.

The next day, I returned to the bathroom, and it still very lightly smelled of Liquid ASS, but it also smelled like soap. I realized that the janitors had BLEACHED the walls in an effort to get rid of the smell, but to no avail. Everyone talked about it for weeks after, they had not clue that it was actually a man made smell.

I have no idea how you guys made this stuff, but you did one hell of a job!

— D.F.

28Feb2007 Evaluation from an Odor Savant: ". . . this stuff has got to be the worst."

Let me say that I have lived on a working ranch most all of my 36 years. I have smelt anything that a animal can produce — infected wounds, sick animals, to the dying and the long dead — but this stuff has got to be the worst. It made me gag before I opened the bottle.

I am downright giddy with the possibilities. Thanks.

— Jayson K., Trinidad, CO

27Feb2007 Dorm Prank in Sweden: "Oh, what the f**k is that smell?!"

I was a little skeptical when I ordered Liquid ASS, but not anymore. Check this: I live in a dorm where we have a collective kitchen. Everybody walks in the same corridor to get to said kitchen. I sprayed Liquid ASS on one of the cupboards and went to my room thinking that it wouldn't really smell all that bad. 5 minutes later somebody comes and knocks on my door asking me if I could help them localize the smell. It was PUTRID! I, of course, had to act all innocent like but couldn't hold my laughter. Lucky they were laughing and wretching as well. Some comments from the other guys were

   "Oh, what the f**k is that smell?!"

   "What the hell?!"

   "Did somebody shit in the corridor?"

The funniest shit was that I was helping them look for the source. I speculated about how it could be a dead rat or something, knowing full well that it wasn't.

— Mayhem, Stockholm

24Feb2007 Bathroom Prank: ". . . so bad it would knock a buzzard off a shit house"

When I first deployed Liquid Ass in the restroom, it smelled like rotting cheese poured over a backed up sewer. I was summoned about 30 minutes later by an employee about the smell and was told to immediately contact corporate because "the odor in the bathroom is so bad it would knock a buzzard off a shit house!"

I had too stay away because I was laughing my ass off.

— Rob Gray

10Feb2007 Sewer Worker Revolted by the Smell of Liquid ASS

Hello Assmen! I would like to let you know that I work for the local sewage department here in New Jersey. On a daily basis, I literally shovel human excrement into garbage bags, so needless to say, I deal with some foul odors. When I received Liquid ASS in the mail, I immediately opened it and took a whiff — I gagged. It was the most disgusting, horrible, gut–wrenching smell I have ever experienced. You've really got an incredible product! I will definitely be ordering more! I gotta stock up on this "crap"!

Take care.

— Chad Aaronson, New Jersey

26Jan2007 College Dorm Prank: ". . . it smells like a rank, sweaty bottom."

I live in a dormitory at a university that is located in the middle of nowhere. There is absolutely nothing to do around here, so my friends and I have resulted to pulling stupid pranks, wherever, whenever. This has involved the use of firecrackers in the shower room, pull–string fire crackers on bathroom stall doors, sulfur–smelling stink bombs, and one of my all time favorites — courtyard air–horn blowing.

However, I have a new favorite that just arrived in the mail today — Liquid ASS. As soon as I opened the package, I could smell something that was not right. I couldn't put my finger on what the smell was, but it was terrible. I had read the testimonials here on www.liquidass.com, but I had absolutely no idea what I was in store for. Well, here you have it . . . from an initial skeptic — there is no other description for this product other than it smells like a rank, sweaty bottom. All the residents in my dormitory would agree, as well.

I initially tried it out on my own hall. Surprisingly, it has been worth it. I've been able to leave my door open to listen to the cursing, gagging, shouting, moaning, groaning, and notice the plugging of noses that is all due to Liquid ASS. I lined the whole hallway with it. I sprayed down the stairwells, and nothing could contain the smell. It is such a potent stench, that it filled our two–story tall main lobby. The head of housekeeping here in our dormitory has been roaming the halls, spraying down our common bathroom with every professional air freshener known to man. The smell is still there. To top it off, the radiator is on full blast in the bathroom, adding to the sweaty–ass experience.

Liquid ASS has greatly exceeded my expectations. If you find yourself doubting the experiences you are reading here, just buy it for yourself . . . they're all completely right–on–the–money!

— A College Student from Washington

21Jan2007 College Dorm Prank: "He is sleeping in his ass–reeking room right now!"

So yesterday, one of my roommates at school was coming back to move his things in for the begining of the semester. A few hours before he arrived, my friends and I sprayed about a half a bottle of Liquid ASS in this kid's room, on the floor, the bedpost, under his bed, the closet . . . everywhere. To describe it best, his room smelt like the bathroom after your dad gets done with it. About 3 hours after initially spraying the room, he arrived with his parents and siblings . . . and they were in for a surprise. Upon entering the room, his mother started dry heaving, and I believe my roommate's first words were, "What the f**k is that smell? OH MY GOSH!!" Anyway, he is convinced that someone threw up in his room over break, so he has covered his entire floor in scented baking soda . . . and the vacuum is broken, so it's been there for 2 days. He is sleeping in his ass–reeking room right now!

Thank you Liquid ASS for making the last couple days so enjoyable . . . ie, for some.

— T. Walsh

15Jan2007 Funny Friend Prank: ". . . yelling at this guy for shitting his pants."

I got my friend AJ with Liquid ASS right before he got in my car (big mistake) and we drove for 30 minutes and the whole time everyone was just yelling at this guy for shitting his pants . . . so in conclusion, he ended up taking off both his pants and boxers in the car full of people and was showing everyone his ass to prove he didn't shit himself . . . Classic.

Thx for the GOOO TIME!

— MOTH

08Jan2007 Neighbor and Buddy Prank: "Who shit in my camper?!!!"

This stuff is great!

A co–worker gave me a bottle of the stuff and let me play around with it after I had sniffed a bit of it and it about made me gag!

First stop was my next door neighbor's house. I was over working on his stereo system one day, and I excused myself to go use the bathroom. I sprayed a little bit of it in his baby son's room. The next day, we were talking at the fence, and he said his son has had the nastiest case of gas or the shits or something lately that has been so bad he can't even stand being in his room. He said "I didn't know such odor could come out of such a little boy!"

The next attack was on a friend's RV. He doesn't let anybody do #2 in the RV's toilet because he's worried that it will stink up the inside. While we were on a camping trip with my family, I squirted some around the head inside his RV. When he went back inside the RV later on, I heard him hollar "Who shit in my camper?!!!" Next thing I know, he's starting the engine and driving it up to the dump station. He flushed the holding tanks out for hours and couldn't get it to stop stinking! On the way back home, he calls me on the CB and says that he's stopping at a Wal–Mart and buying an armload of toilet chemicals because he can hardly stand driving inside that thing! He was still ranting on who shit in his RV toilet!

One thing I have noticed is that this stuff is extremely potent, and it only takes a little bit to have people gagging!

— Steven W.

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