Liquid ASS: The Solution to Your Neighbor Problem
Funny, Satisfying, yet Harmless Revenge on Bad Neighbors
If you have them, it is a living nightmare. And getting rid of them is next to impossible. Dealing with them is a chafing, frustrating, unending experience. No, I am not talking about fleas. I mean bad neighbors.
You can try reasoning with your neighbor. But how can you reason with unreasonable people?
How about ignoring your neighbor? Let's see — they are loud, obnoxious, annoying, even nasty — no luck there.
Eventually you are driven to the last resort — revenge. In most cases, you will get there sooner or later. However, the means of effective revenge for a sane and moral person are few. The frustration caused by one's inability to satiate vengeful desires can destroy one's health and mental well-being. Enter: Liquid ASS. Properly applied (see our Suggested Uses page for proven methods), Liquid ASS produces an intense, long-lasting, authentic butt-crack smell that will have your problem neighbor baffled by what the hell happened. Liquid ASS will deliver a concluding amount of satisfaction accompanied by fits of laughter brought on by the funny, futile antics of your neighbor in searching for the source. The end result is a satisfying measure of revenge, peace of mind, and no harm done.
How to Pull an Over-the-Top Prank
Using the streaming tip version of Liquid ASS, squirt liberally with a sweeping motion over a large surface area.
On most carpeted floors, Liquid ASS is not visible and the smell lasts longer. On tile floors, squirt in the corners to minimize light reflection. (See illustrations below). A good rule of thumb is to apply Liquid ASS around the perimeter of the target area or approximately that same amount spread over the middle area.
Several significant variables will affect the performance of your Liquid ASS operation. Results will vary due to ventilation, room size, and amount applied. In general (95% of the time), when used indoors with medium ventilation, a third of a bottle will generate dry–heave–quality stench from one to three hours.
The guidelines given above combine simplicity, effectiveness, and entertainment value.
Customer Feedback: College Neighbor Revenge
Listen to an email received by Preston and Steve of WMMR, Philadelphia from two college guys who got their revenge on their loud, constant-partying, downstairs neighbors with Liquid ASS (624 KB, MP3) or read the email transcibed below.
Love the show. You guys rock. I go to college a little bit outside of Philly and the neighbors that live downstairs are constantly throwing loud parties late into the night. My roommate and I both play sports and often have to get up early on the weekends so you can see how annoying this can get. After repeatedly knocking on the door and asking them to keep it down since September, we decided it was time to unleash the Great Equalizer. Around 1:30 am, my roommate cut a small hole in the screen of his window and squeezed a nice size amount of the foulest smelling stench to ever be a part of this earth out the window and down onto the sidewalk right next to their open window. About ten minutes later, we unleashed round two out of our other window. We were originally were planning on them coming outside to smoke a cigarette and then smell it. But then to our surprise and great satisfaction, it ended up drifting into their apartment. About ten people ended up leaving the party soon after that, gagging and coughing along the way. It was then that we heard a walkie–talkie and saw a flashlight coming through the courtyard. The stench was so bad that they ended up calling the cops. Soon after, we heard the cop say into the walkie–talkie, "Oh my word, they weren't lying. I smell it now." They looked all over the yard for a stink bomb or poo or something like that. But thanks to the handy size of Liquid ASS, we got our revenge unscathed and got a hell of a laugh in the process. Keep up the great work, you guys.
How can you exact revenge on your neighbor without inflicting bodily harm, causing property damage, or landing yourself in the clink? The answer is Liquid ASS. Liquid ASS will part their hair. The putrid smell will get the job done and goes away within a few hours. Liquid ASS has been tested to be safe. No harm done.
Customer Testimonial: Dealing with Noisy Neighbors
With Liquid ASS, I can live my life again! Let me explain: I have noisy neighbors — neighbors who don't listen to me or the police when we ask for peace and quiet. I work in a hospital and have to operate at 6AM some days, so I need my rest — wouldn't you want your surgeon to get some sleep? Anyway, these idiots play Rock Band all night on weeknights, and I just couldn't take it. One morning, I had an epiphany — in the form of Liquid ASS.
First off, Liquid ASS arrives FAST! (I think the geniuses behind this product know that when you order Liquid ASS, you need it FAST!) I would describe it as smelling like a goat with a colostomy bag that was beaten to death, then eaten by a bear, who subsequently got toxic megacolon and exploded in my face. I got it on a Saturday and waited . . . I didn't have to wait long. Sunday night, 3AM, I was awoken with the foul strains of poorly–played Rock Band. So, I crept to their window, and released such foulness — it was as if the gates of Hell opened and Lucifer himself loosed his bowels upon them. It wasn't more than 2 squirts (I did 6 total) into the fan blowing into their apartment, when I heard the ungodly, "What the F**K is that??!??!" I ran off, only to hear them close behind — not chasing me, mind you, but escaping the foul wind they had summoned. I heard one of them ask the other, "What the F**K! Did a horse shit and die out here??!"
Needless to say, I slept well that night. Luckily, I bought the 4–pack, so I have plenty in reserve should I need it again. Some people never learn . . . I have more Liquid ASS, then they have noise in the middle of the night!
Thanks liquid ASS — I am no longer simply waiting to die — the future seems brighter somehow.
— Toxic Megacolon
Customer Testimonial: Keeping the Loud, Partying Neighbors in Check
Dear Liquid ASS,
I would like to thank you SO much for making such an incredible product. In March 2008, the overprivileged, corn–fed college kids living in the ground unit below us decided it was party time. They had previously been just a little noisy, but some new kid (a COMPLETE psychopath) moved in and suddenly wall–trembling door–slamming, fights and all–night parties became a regular occurrence. I lost several nights of sleep and was passing out on my desk at work after their benders. Everyone else in the building had complained about them — the parties, the yelling, the swearing and explicit sex–talk in front of children — and the complex management had started eviction procedures. They were trashing their unit and making enemies of everyone.
Fortunately, the night my Liquid ASS arrived, they were having another all–nighter. Dozens of kids yelling inside and out, loud shitty music (Ashlee Simpson . . . at least party to some decent music you retards). At around midnight, my wife went to bed and I turned off all the lights and waited on our balcony for about an hour. My intent was to dump some Liquid ASS over our balcony rail so it would land in front of their balcony. Armed with one bottle of Liquid ASS in each hand, I quietly emptied them over the rail. The straight stream nozzle is GREAT because it's totally slient, and in the night atmosphere the streams of Liquid ASS were completely invisible. This saved my plan because it turned out a couple girls from the party were on their balcony having a quiet smoke. If they saw it coming down they would've known what was happening, but they were completely oblivious. Immediately they started coughing and gagging!!! I heard one of them wretching as she went back inside, yelling "SOMETHING'S WRONG OUTSIDE — OH MY WORD!!!!!!" Partygoers poured out into the night, all of them coughing and gagging as they took their first whiffs of the awful smell. Because the Liquid ASS had landed on some rocks, it was impossible to see and because of the intensity of the smell and dispersion it was hard to tell exactly where it was coming from. I guess they figured something was horribly wrong with the plumbing because 15 minutes later EVERY KID AT THE PARTY HAD LEFT. The shitty music was off, the lights were out and I sat looking at the beautiful night sky whispering, "Thank you, Liquid ASS."
After the Liquid ASSing, they remained noisy and obnoxious during the day, but the all–nighters stopped. I took a couple opportunities to respond to their door–slamming, curse–yelling and car–engine–revving by dousing their hibachi and the seat of their bicycle in the weeks it took for the complex to finally get rid of them. I *SWEAR* the Liquid ASS kept them in check. I think they knew someone was retaliating, but they couldn't prove who — they just knew everybody hated them and someone was fighting back.
Life has been SWEET since they finally moved out. I'm not exaggerating here . . . Liquid ASS literally improved the quality of our life. I was able to peacefully retaliate against these ass***es without any direct confrontation, and it was THE MOST SATISFYING REVENGE EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. I want to thank you, and I want to thank Andrew for contacting me and personally delivering me a few bottles when he was in town so I could put an end to the ass***ery ASAP. That was above and beyond the call of duty and we appreciate it SO much. Andrew's efforts LITERALLY allowed me to be alert and effective at work the following day, and Liquid ASS saved the enjoyment of our property for us. Thanks guys.
— Aule from Azeroth
Customer Testimonial: Keeping the Neighbors Quiet
Over a 3 month period, I was becoming sleep deprived due to partying neighbors. I get up at 5:00 AM and they party 3 to 4 nights a week and come home from the bars at 2:30 AM and make tons of noise with their windows open in the hot summer. They are USC frat alumni with huge egos and don't have any consideration for the neighbors. After many visits by the police and no change in their behavior, I waited until they were in a drunken stupor and sleeping at 5:00 AM. Then I emptied 2 bottles of Liquid ASS through two corner window screens all over a downstairs front room. I literally sprayed the entire carpeted room. Since then I haven't heard them at all. It's like no one lives there now it is so quiet. That was about 8 months ago and they never knew who did it. They still live there, but, boy, do they have respect for their neighbors now. No loud talking, partying or noise at all.
The couple that used to live above me were the worst. The female had OCD and walked all night back and forth across my ceiling causing me severe sleep deprivation. To top it off she would stomp on the floor above my head when she could figure out where I was. Her daughter was encouraged to use the couch as a trampoline and she slammed my ceiling constantly like a gymnast. I put a microphone up and recorded it and sent it to the landlord, but he didn't want to get involved. I called the police out well over 50 times and they knew she was crazy, but didn't do anything about it except tell her to quit stomping the floor. I recorded the stomping and the police were on my side but really helpless to do anything unless she did it in their presence. I was told to call a mediator, but he told me she didn't want to mediate and I was told the best thing was to move out. But it's very hard to get deposits back from the landlord. Even if you win in small claims court, collecting is next to impossible. Bottom line is it costs about $3,000.00 to move and that really pissed me off.
I decided to get revenge. Since I get up at 4 or 5 AM, I had the perfect opportunity to make it happen without witnesses. Her husband drove a limousine so that became the target of choice as he supported her behavior and refused to do anything to help the situation. Sliding a long fingernail file down the window in between the glass and rubber and turning it opens a delightful hole in which to spray a bottle of ASSSS into. The rear doors are best for this method. The stench comes out slowly as it is trapped in the door and gags the customers sitting in the back. He went through several limousines each month as they had to be thoroughly cleaned to remove the disgusting smell to be usable for paying passengers. This process keeps the ASSSS viable for days and is not as obvious as spraying it into the air intake. Her car got the treatment as well except I liberally sprayed the upholstery using the nail file to circumvent the rubber molding.
I had to continue this for 3 months and I used up about 8 bottles of ASSSS in the process. Finally they moved as it is hard to make money when your limousine smells like SHIT. Mornings were fun as I would sneak up the stairs at 5:00 AM and spray it under the front door and into the carpet on the days the husband was out of town driving a van with customers in Las Vegas.
Liquid Ass worked when the landlord, mediator and police could or would not help. I saved $3,000 in moving expenses for about $40.00 in Liquid Ass including delivery and had major fun while making these assh***s gag. Some say this is an immature way of handling these types of situations, but I say use unreasonable methods to deal with unreasonable people and make them submit. I couldn't have done it without Liquid Ass.
Thanks Liquid ASS.
— Sk8 in SoCal
Customer Testimonial: Solving the Arrogant-Neighbor-Parking-in-my-Parking-Spot Problem
I just want to thank you guys for helping out the underdogs in the world and helping the little people serve justice in this world. I ordered Liquid ASS after seeing a video on YouTube. I could not believe the truth in your advertising as your product has far, far exceeded my expectations of what is considered a "Bad Smell" or what "Ass" smells like! This stuff is insane! As soon as I got the package, I had not even opened a bottle but just opened the box it came in and oh my! — the Liquid ASS had a stench like nothing I had experienced yet in life! And I hadn't even opened a bottle yet!
I couldn't wait to set the score straight with a piece of shit neighbor who is some yuppie prick that thinks he is all that because he drives a new 750 BMW. The A–hole continues to park in my parking spot which is closest to his door constantly and in my other neighbor's spot as well just because he thinks he is entitled to since he thinks he has a nicer car and wants to keep an eye on it — even though those are my and my other neighbor's actual personal parking spaces. We tried to talk to the guy and his attitude was of a typical 26 year old punk that thinks he just knows it all and is better because he has "NEW" money . . . or thinks he makes more than us — big f**king deal. So after about the 5th time talking to this guy, we decided to take matters to the "Peoples Court" street justice — I ordered a 9–bottle–pack of Liquid ASS and we proceeded to put a whole bottle in this guys car vents near the hood of the car! Needless to say, this guy got in his car and about had a hissy fit. I could hear this guy swearing up a storm as he got in his car in the morning! He had his car doors open when I got up to leave to go to work. I looked at him and said, "Whats Wrong?" He said he didn't know! So off to work I went. Then when I came home, I couldn't believe this A–hole. He actually parked in my other neighbors parking space again! So this time, me and the other neighbor waited till like 5 am and went out and took a bottle of Liquid ASS and put the tip in the guys window edge where the weather stripping is and squirted a whole bottle INSIDE this guys car! You wouldn't believe what happened the next day when we got home from work — the guy had a new car!!! We saw him a few days later and asked him how come he got another car when his other one was so new? He said he could not figure things out, but he thinks a cat was pissing in his car somehow . . . and the stench was so bad that he couldn't get it out. So he took his old car to the dealership and got a new car!!! Now he is keeping his car in a locked garaged space that he pays for himself. ha haa! Yeah!!!! Justice for the little man! This guy never parks his car in our spaces any more and keeps his car in the locked up paid garage space now.
Thanks so much for a great product!
— The Working Man